List # 45

Looking back through this week's posts it is clear that a good mood was hard to find. I wasn't even going to blog tonight but then I read this post by an awesome blogger/Jake Gyllenhaal-lover and decided to follow her lead. It's so obvious that I haven't been feeling myself this week because a.) I am actually nervous to go for margaritas with some of my best pals tomorrow and b.) I still have a crater of a zit (and the makings of another) on my chin.

So tonight? A list of things that make me happy:

• Opening new book orders
• Really cold iced tea
• Afternoon texts from friends
• Emails about The Hunger Games
• The excitement of children at story time (Call me lame, but I had 38 kids today. It was epic.)
• Hour-long lunches
• Hulu
• Finding the time to read before work
• Pencil skirts & cute cardigans
• Red coats
• Red shoes
• A re-found love of high heels
• Black olives (or any olive)
• Finding my favorite blogs updated
• Chai tea lattes, non-fat, extra hot & occasionally with a pump of vanilla
• Writing this blog
• Texts from friends in the afternoon
• Online shopping
• Flirting
• Warm blankets

And that's my list. What's yours?

List # 44

I am in no mood for an emotional post today. Just feeling too much & I really don't want to open the flood gates or contemplate ways to make me happy. I just want to be tonight. Don't worry, I'm not as upset as last night but the worry still hasn't left & I still feel pretty fragile. So tonight's lists? Just a collection of thoughts that passed my way today.


29 is too old for zits. Just don't think the 1 as big as a dime resting on my chin has gotten the memo. Answering the phone at work today was brutal.

March 30 is too late for snow. Of any sort, really. I don't care that it didn't lay on the ground, I was freezing all day thanks to winter forgetting it's over & not beginning.

I am ready to show off my bare legs. This girl loves tights. I have a growing collection & think they are more comfortable than pants. But I could be wearing cute spring outfits & adorable shoes. Yet I'm not because apparently March 30th isn't too late for snow & half of this year's tight collection now has runners & holes. Bring on Spring, please.

Here's to zitless tomorrows that warm us inside & out, lovelies.

List?? Music Edition

Because I strongly feel that women should listen to more songs that make them feel powerful than sad, I listen to this: 1.


Now, because sometimes I just need a damn good, feel-it-in-your-gut cry I listen to this: 2.

I think it's amusing that they are, respectively, the first & last songs on her 21 album. Because right now they feel like bookends to my life. Tell me, what songs are occupying your space right now?

Letter # 14

Dear Today,

Why, oh why, were you the one who let me drop my marbles? All over again, scattered on the floor with no one but my lonely self to pick them up. Was it because I took a sick day, already hating my mind for a tension headache that wouldn't let up? Or was it because the fates just aren't handing me some good cards in 2011?

I have been riding a high for the last two weeks and I really wanted to convince myself that this high would last right on into the next big thing. But a friend reminded me tonight that it can't stay up forever and that sure, it can't stay down forever too. And truthfully, I felt the high coming down slowly this past Saturday afternoon. It was just a matter of time before I had a crash & burn. And really, when I think about it, maybe I'm lucky that you're the star, Today. Because I was already home and feeling like crap.

See, the thing is: Sometimes I feel like a total failure. I know, I know. It's irrational and I have a lot going for me. Blah Blah Blah. I get it, I really do. But this year has been a series of setbacks that I was not prepared for. I was not suppose to be this girl in 2011, I had a whole different set of plans. And though I've come to accept that I cannot plans for things I cannot control, I just really do want to catch a break.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a step behind everyone else. I'm very tired of feeling like I give my all to so many people & things, only to get burned or yelled at or forgotten in the end. And I had a breakdown tonight. I felt utterly helpless and alone and wanted to reach out to the one person I have been kicking my ass over. I am tired. I am of feeling like everyone else has it together but me. And maybe that's not true. But I certainly feel like every day is an uphill battle.

Perhaps you're reading this and thinking I'm being a bit melodramatic or self-pitying. And though I might say the same when I re-read this post as well. I can tell you that I don't feel that way at the moment. Because I have a sick father, a stressed out mother, financial worries, a long-lost love, a worry for the future and the general dread that I just cannot get ahead. It's too much for my head tonight.

So today, I'll tell you what: you can go down on the record books as a royally crappy one as long as you promise to give me better tomorrows. I'll try to stay focused on the positive and I'll try my hardest to not let lose some waterfall tears. But if you could move over and make a lot of room for some good karma and things to come my way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm working hard here and I don't know how many more set-backs I can take before I spend the rest of my nights & weekends eating bowls of nachos by myself for the whole of my 30s. I'll let you have your moment, today, if you can find the way to bring health & happiness back to the people I love. And to let me be the woman I am trying every day to be, so hard.

Thank you,

Shannon

List # 43

I'm a quirky girl. I like balance both in my life & in my design and I get into habits that are really hard to break. I like to think that my quirks are the endearing sort. Sure, they might elicit a few WTF looks & laughs, but they aren't glaring and I like to think that the people who love me also love the quirks.

My Big Ones?

I only eat using small forks. By small I mean forks that have short prongs & feel light in my hand. Weird, I know. But blame my apartment in Agrinio, Greece and it's mix-mashed collection of cutlery. I think I ate every meal using the same fork (with a white handle) for almost an entire year. I seriously contemplated packing it in my luggage upon my return. But instead, I just opted to hunt down a short fork anytime I eat. I'll make do if there aren't any other options; it's not like I throw temper tantrums. But work has short forks, my parents have short forks & I'm actually pretty sure I started liking the ex a little bit more when I was first invited over for dinner & discovered a whole mess of short forks in the drawer.

I like darkness when sleeping. We're talking the kind of dark that not even a sliver of light shows through. I'm adaptable from room to room, but once I make something my habit it's very hard for me to shake it off. Like if I'm sleeping in a room night after night that has a window right next to the street lamp, I'm going to get used to this. But I'm also going to wrap my bubbie around my eyes so that I'm ensconced in dark. I'm not quite sure where this one came from, considering when I was a little girl I slept with my door wide open and the hall light on until my mom turned it off before she went to bed. You may not believe me, but I can tell if a light is turned on with my eyes closed and a blanket over my head.

I don't like breakfast foods. Scratch that. I don't like sweet breakfast foods. And in fact, I just had my first pancake in what may have been 20 years last weekend. Call me Un-American but pouring syrup all over my food in the morning makes my stomach turn. And I'll easily blame this one on my Dad serving us buckwheat pancakes age 6 after asking for pancakes every weekend (not my parent's favorite either). To this day I'm not quite sure if his plan was to get us to shut up about pancakes for breakfast. I'll gladly take some sausage, a bit of bacon & toast. I'll go for a scrambled egg if it's cooked properly, an omelet if I'm living it up. But in reality? I'd rather just drink a cup of tea and then eat lunch at 11.

I'm putting a few of my quirks out there tonight because it's hard to think about someone loving them the way that another has done in the past. Now that I'm starting over again it frightens me a little to think that I have to start sharing these little personality traits all over again. With someone new, who is going to have quirks of his own. Maybe he will check the locks a few times before leaving the house, or maybe he'll have to arrange all of the bathroom toiletries with the labels facing out or perhaps he'll have a huge disdain for Mexican food. I just don't know.

But a few things I do know is that I hope he at least let's me keep a short fork in his silverware drawer, likes to bury himself under blankets of deep dark at night & won't mind, if we're going out for breakfast, to dine at a place that serves lunch all day too.

So lovelies, what are your quirks? And do you know anyone who might not mind mine? Would love to hear your habits.

List # 42

So the weekend's over, rather quickly as we all expect, and I'm not quite sure how to describe it in words. It was a busy one; with plans spread from Monday after work until late in the day on Sunday. And it was filled to the brim with friends and cake and drinks and a non-Sidney Crosby win and more. All in all, it was a very good weekend. The kind a single girl like me should be having & loving. And don't get me wrong, I did.

But I also watched this on Friday night after returning from a hockey game:

And as much as I am embarrassed to admit this, I needed these two to get together. I needed to see that the imperfect love, with bumps and setbacks, can happen. The girl who is on the mend needed to see fictional characters have their day & smile. And like a good book, this episode stuck with me all weekend. At one point, I even found myself feeling sad & old when out with girlfriends, as if I was never going to breakthrough this period in my life and that it was all going to stay the same.

I have never been the girl who easily gets the guy. I couldn't tell you when the last time an available guy told me he had a crush on me/told me liked me/thought I was cute because it just doesn't happen all that often. I'm not saying it has never happened, of course not. But my own relationships have taken awhile to get there. I feel like the odd girl so much of the time and it's nice to see that just maybe, the odd girl out gets the guy in the end.

There is a deep fear inside me that I will never be that girl. It's hard for me to admit, but sometimes I think that I will never be the girl that a guy wants to stick around for. I desperately don't want to be that girl who gets down on herself. And I'm not even close to being the girl who desperately wants and needs to have a boyfriend. But I know that one day, sooner rather than later, I will. And well? My faith that there is someone out there who will want to stick it out forever? Well, yeah. It's a tough one. Sometimes I truly wonder if I'm perpetually going to the single friend. Because doesn't everyone have to have a place in the dynamics of friendship? And I'm fearful there will be no room for me at the table.

Seeing your parents sick is really, really hard. And knowing that I'm doing it alone this time is even harder. I don't even really like to talk about it, because there was really only one person who knew the inner workings of my family and he opted not to be here. That's okay because it has to be. But still holding your breath for results and surgeries and time is not.

There is part of me that feels really ridiculous for writing a blog post inspired by a television show. But I don't think there was ever a time when I was rooting for a couple the way I was rooting for Michael & Holly. Maybe in Bridget Jones' Diary. Because obviously I am Bridget Jones. I don't read a lot of chick lit & I don't read any romance novels. And I just like to see people have romance in realistic ways. So f*ck it, I'm okay with writing about television and being touched by characters.

I dare you to watch that episode and not laugh & want to cry at the same time.

List # 41

For those of you not familiar with how the library scene works, most libraries offer a summer reading program in the summer. Kind of like a club, libraries have a theme that shapes programming & encourages children & parents to continue reading during the summer months. There is a lot more to say about Summer Reading Club (SRC), but the bottom line is that TONS of work goes into it. When schools are closed & it seems that everyone's productivity is down during the lazy, hazy days of summer...libraries are at their busiest. It's quite possible that you'll be hearing a lot about SRC, so just a heads up.

So today was a big SRC training day for librarians in my county & one that served up some mandatory continuing education credits. In general, it's an awesome way to spend a weekday: one of the coolest museums in the city, many creative librarians in one space, likeminded sorts & best of all, drinks afterwards for library & girl talk. I expected this day to be have all kinds of creative energy flying around the room mixed with an awesome view of the Allegheny River. It's how we roll in my town.

But one thing I was not expecting today was having to talk about my ex & current situation. Actually, it's not that I didn't expect it, I just forgot that I was seeing people who knew how my life has been playing out so far in 2011 and whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I have to admit, it was a little awkward talking about how I'm coping, what exactly happened and (though I'm quite thankful) getting praise for this blog. I loved the outpouring of support, but it was strange to be the girl that had to quickly catch everyone up on life changing events whether it be a long-term relationship falling apart or a father who has been ill this year.

But you know what? I learned a few things today.

I can actually talk about what happened and not feel like I want to sink back into the lonely cave of hurt and sadness. In fact, I can actually talk about it and not feel like crying one bit.

The Palm Reader in Jackson Square, New Orleans was 100% correct in her predictions in August 2010. Little did I know I'd see a promotion & the end of my relationship just a few months down the road...but she certainly did. She was spot on. I still have her card & would love to go back to see what she'd say now. And if you're heading to NoLA for ALA or some other event, let me know and I'll give you her information.

My hometown is a small town, and even in a room of 40 plus librarians & another 20 or so performers & more, I'm bound to run into someone who has ties to him. So much in fact, that I had been to her house for a party just days before the boy called it off.

Being a librarian is awesome. Even if when you tell people you're a librarian, they consistently make comments such as "Oh, I didn't even think there were libraries anymore" and "Is that even a real job?" Yes, they do & yes it is. Visit us, or you're missing out.

And as always, lovelies, please send some good thoughts & prayers this way. This family could use all the good mojo it can get.

List # 40

Today I decided that Tuesdays are my least favorite day of the week. This is a feeling that's been growing for awhile, but today I just upped & named it the least favorable day out of 7. In my world, I just get a big fat F on them.

Why I Failed this particular Tuesday:

I went from not being hungry to eating too much. Just too much food today.

I get frustrated with my own story time themes. Crafts were my road block today.

I've discovered that I am currently crushing on a person I am only familiar with online. Not even in the gchat/match.com type of online. I'm talking through social media/blogs/we've never actually talked in our lives/I've never seen his face. How is this normal?

I'm way behind in reading. 3 books that I need to finish pronto & I can't bring myself to sit down with them.

But I did rock on Tuesday for a few reasons:

Coffee date with one of the best people I know. Such good girl conversation.

A ballsy move on my part may prove to bring some interesting stories my way. Or least gave one funny story. And one is always better than none.

So, how do you fail at the worst day of the week?

List # 39

A super short list of unrealistic things I wish I could have/do at the snap of my fingers:

Sing a sultry bluesy song in a short white dress, with a flower in in my hair.

Take a beach vacation with my momma.

Have enough money & enough vacation days to treat all of my favorite friends to a foreign-bound trip .

Find out someone is crushing on me.

Strut my stuff on the runway. In a cute skirt.

What would you add to this list, lovelies?

List # 38

Over the weekend a very dear friend commented that I always seem to be Tweeting about how hot/good I feel and that I should teach a class on self-esteem. And I took a look at my Tweets (By God, do I love Twitter by the way) and realized this was true. Part of this is because I too fall prey to what I refer to as "Facebook Syndrome." We all know what this is; the habit of only posting positive comments and unintentionally causing a downward spiral of self-doubt among those who are going through some tough times. And sure, I share when I feel on top of my game because it makes it all that much more real.

But the bigger reason I've been sharing, is because it's true. I honestly feel really good right now.

I feel as if I am starting an entire new chapter of my life. It's about fresh beginnings, new adventures. Stepping outside of my box and trying on new things like it's my job.

I recognize I am pretty accomplished for 29. Graduate degree? Lived abroad? Various teaching certificates? Lessons learned from terrible job & bad relationships? Got those all under my belt. Now topped with the job that I adore.

I'm embracing my curves and loving my body. Not your thing? That's okay, move right along.

I am surrounding myself with people who care. Friends who are there & enjoy good laughs. Colleagues who are supportive & innovative. Family who understands & lifts.

Retail therapy is a broken girl's best friend. New clothes for a new beginning. Filled with sexy skirts & dresses for feeling like my best. It's like purging all of the ugly in my life.

Accepting that I am cannot control other people's happiness or sanity. Period. End of sentence.

So that class I should teach? I would tell my students to not let the sad bring you down. Give yourself a few moments every day to wallow in the heart-breaking and then pack it up. I'm still wallowing, probably every day, even if I don't always acknowledge it. But then move on to the brighter things in life. Buy yourself a smokin' hot outfit & pour yourself a drink. Listen to music that makes you cry because you miss him, but listen to more songs that make you understand that you're better than what he was giving. Be sure to have something in your life that is a passion. Go explore & find it if you need to, but whether it's your job or your hobby you should have something that motivates you from within. Decide who & what makes you feel good and love them with all of your heart. Spend as much time as you can with you Mom. Push your limits & vow to work on the inner you. Try very hard to learn foreign things & work on making your life better than it is right. at. this. moment. Talk to new people, the young guy at the bar or the other regular you always see at Starbucks. Read a lot of books. Get out of town. Try, very hard, not to care what anyone else thinks. And then find a laugh every. single. day.

And then I'd let my students in on a little secret and let them know that each & every day is a battle to feel good. I just refuse to let a person who already took so much time away from me as he stole my heart & then dropped it to see it fall into a thousand little pieces take any more. I refuse to let the sad dominate any more than it needs to. I vow to make this spring a happy one. And I am making a promise to myself to use this time for me, to be different, to try new experiences & better the already kick-ass person I know I am. It's a struggle, but it's one that I'm always trying to win.

So, lovelies, what are your secrets to feeling good? What gets your self-esteem rising? What advice do you have for all of struggling on the inside? No reason not to share.

List # 37

Today was a damn. good. day. The kind you wish you could have "repeat" to use when needed. Nothing flashy, nothing out of the ordinary. Just smiley good & productive.

Recipe for a good day in March:

Warm Sunshine. As much as I love coats, I'm happy to shed them when the time is right. I'm currently sporting the one I seriously purchased when Kaufmann's was closing its doors but I still get compliments on it nearly every day. It's always funny to tell people you purchased something at a Pgh Icon that isn't there anymore. Yet when I went out this afternoon? Coat stayed in the closed. Score.

Unexpected Lunch with Awesome Co-Workers. I'm very fortunate to work with some pretty talented, kind & hilarious people. And just being able to step outside of the workplace & talk and be 3 pretty kick-ass librarians is more than I ever expected.

Little Kids who say "You're Pretty." Because kids are usually telling the truth. And they love my story time. Plus when the caregivers compliment your story times & outfits, it doesn't hurt either.

Weeding VHS tapes for the final time. In the library world, we call getting rid of old/outdated items "weeding." My library has a small amount of VHS tapes still sitting on the shelf & today I made the motions to get rid of them all. Few people used VHS anymore, few films are only available in that format & in the end, it just makes the shelves look out-of-touch & uncared for. To the Used Book Sale they go...leaving me with a very fulfilling feeling side. And if anyone wants City Slickers on VHS or old Coustou documentaries, let me know. We can get you a good deal.

Green Wearing. No green beer was had. But I love this holiday anyway. It's just fun to wear green. And have lots of people comment about how Irish my name really sounds. My Grandfather would be proud.

Evening Walks. That don't start until 6:30 and the sun is still shining. I can't explain how happy I am that working until late every night is part of my past (even if I'm doing it solo). A walk does my body & mind wonders.

It has a happy day, lovelies. In fact, it's my bed time and I'm still feeling like I could go on & on. Here's to hoping there are more of these in the future. So what is your recipe for a good day in March? Share!

List # 36

These days though I'm finding it easier to be a one, I'm finding myself swollen, for a least a few moments when I least expect it. It's like the best person I thought I knew just takes a hold of me. And I can't really explain it other than to tell you that my whole body feels swollen with his absence. Sometimes I can feel it; in the obvious places like my gut, heart and head. But sometimes, too, in my limbs. It's like my body is remembering that it has all of this stuff stored up that it wants to share, it has all this love that just had to disappear, and it remembers that it doesn't really know how to dispose of it. It's just missing.

When I find myself overcome in this way, I immediately start to make a list of the things that bring me joy during that moment. And even if these happy things can feel bittersweet because they are happy things that I can't share, they are mine nonetheless.

My go-to list of the moment:

1. I have a best-kept-secret view of downtown Pittsburgh from my library. It's the perfect spot to watch fireworks & I really hold out hope that the next guy is going to want to make watching them a romantic priority too. My long-awaited & tormented love affair of this town lives on.

2. The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all, the scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling. Because I want to be friends with Adele & all the good women I know feel the same way. How someone can belt out such raw emotions keeps me in awe. It's a talent I will never possess.

3. The list of things of which I'm happy I no longer need to be concerned. We all know the story that I wasn't the one who decided to end it all. But every person has things in the relationship they were frustrated with, felt completely lost over, wanted to change, wanted to scream about...and well, we all can understand. An open forum is not the place to hash them out for they are no one's business but mine and his, but when I'm feeling like I just want him back, I conjure up reminders.

4. Spring Rain. It is soft, cool & calming. Even when it comes in torrents, it is only hear to wash away the residue of the long winter and bring along brighter days. Brighter days filled with long walks and bird songs.

5. Good Books to Read at Lunch. The pleasure of having a real honest-to-goodness lunch break every day for the first time in my professional career. And then having that pleasure topped by settling with a gripping book that you just can't put down. Lunchtime Rejuvenation.

So tell me lovelies, what thoughts/actions help you get out of emotional moments? What gets you focused after a sad interruption in your day?

Note # 1

Earlier in the day, I wanted to write an inspired post about women. About why I love certain women, including myself.

But as the day moved onwards, all I could really do is find myself thinking of those in Japan. I get emotionally involved in stories of tragedy. And I actually end up turning off the television & just trying to read pieces in the silence, in my own time. Because I can't handle so much grief & sadness & worry. I've noticed this more & more in myself as I've gotten older & I plan on discussing why in future posts.

So tonight's blog post really isn't anything. I cannot say very much about a country to which I've never visited, have no true ties with, that someone else cannot say much more eloquently. I'll leave the stories and thoughts to unfold through the weeks, months & years ahead. You probably won't see me posting links on Facebook, unless it's something I haven't seen before, or a story that grips me so hard that I can't let go. It's not that I'm not being active in staying informed. I just don't think it's always my place to spread.

But my thoughts are there. They are with old students & their families, friends' loved ones & former colleagues. They are with the faces I see in videos & on the web & in the newspapers. Even if we have seen such terrible things happen in our world, in so many different ways, it is still a situation I cannot even imagine. As a person who works with the public on a daily basis, fights to give them the tools and information they need to try to be successful & happy, I cannot imagine how I would respond in a crisis of this magnitude.

But like my daily life here, I'm always thinking about the ones that need my help. That need some extra love today.

List # 35

I started writing this post about an hour and it turned into a longer rambling than I like. As paragraphs piled on top of each other, I still didn't feel as if I was conveying my emotions properly. There are actual studies out there that suggest blogging is just another part of our growing narcissistic world. That we only write & comment because we want our voices to be louder than our neighbors. But I write this blog because it gives me a creative release. It is allowing me to record a period of change & growth in my life. And though I could easily whip out one of the many journals given to me as gifts over time, I know if I did simply stick to pen & paper, I would quit. Writing publicly gives me accountability.

But sometimes there is just too much to say. As truthful and open as I try to be here, I can't really share everything. I refuse to bash. I refuse to reveal the personal details that would cut, just as much as I refuse to always focus the sad or boast about the good.

Today I'm having one of those moments where there is too much to say.

So here is what happened this weekend:

Filled with friendship. Long talks, lots of laughs and just a lot of support and memory making from people I know love me very much. On the phone, over lunch, over green beer & wandering the hall of one of my favorite places in Pittsburgh.

Movies with Mom. I'm not much of a movie watcher for I always feel that I should be doing something else. But I settled down on a windy night to watch an unexpectedly gripping movie with my Mom & it was just perfect.

Book Reading. There is very little in the world that makes me feel more productive than finishing more than one book over the weekend. Clean all the things? Sure, I could do that but even if got on my hands & knees to scrub, I still wouldn't feel as accomplished as closing books. I feel accomplished tonight.

Running into Memories. Almost literally, I walked into a sight that had me aching for my life just a few months ago. How I desperately wanted to walk through glass doors & see that face & just kiss it, having it all better. Curiously thinking & wondering if he thinks of me. If he truly believes his life is better without a pretty awesome woman. But I'm smart, I'm with it & I'm okay that it won't ever be that way away. Every day, a little bit stronger. Every day, one less moment wasted.

Time Changes. Will allow evening walks after work. And for this I'll gladly hand over an hour of sleep.

End of Spring Break. My little brother returned to Wittenberg. And I miss him.

Here we go, lovelies! Spring really is just around the corner.

misc ???

My favorite things on my desk. All given to me by good friends. Or purchased on revitalizing trips. Or tiny little forget-me-nots blooming in a tiny little pot.

Spring is good for rosy cheeks, bright spirits and rejuvinated souls.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Letter # 13

Dear 3:30 am,

Why, oh why, are choosing to wake me up each night? Like clockwork, I have been finding myself completely awake, ready to go and thoughts racing for at least the past six days. And really, if there is ever a time to feel completely alone, up & alert at 3:30 in the morning alone in your bed is probably the perfect time to do so.

I don't know, 3:30 a.m. Maybe you're just craving attention, maybe you're a little jealous of your p.m. counterpart. He does get to see children head home from school, that burst of afternoon energy while the most action you probably see is informercials on Lifetime TV and perhaps someone watching terrible cable porn. I think I'd get a little anxiety complex if I were in your shoes too.

There is this obvious of maybe I'm just hearing something go "bump" in the night. But I'm a pretty light sleeper, my house is pretty quiet & trust me when I say I know I would be able to identify the neighbor's barking dog. So no, probably not this.

Or maybe, like someone suggested this afternoon, my mind is trying to tell me something. Maybe it's keeping me from some of awful dream I don't want to repeat. Perhaps it's something much more subconscious. What? I have no idea.

Because the only thing I can think of 3:30 am is that my body is playing an evil trick. I can forget about the lost sleep. I was not the college housemate who went to bed every night to be sure to get her 8 hours of sleep (she was much wiser than I) but instead, I was the one who would do most of her work in the evening hours & then fall asleep watching Bridget Jones' Diary. And though I can't pull that off consistently now, my roots are never too far away.

Instead 3:30, you're making me remember, in the dead of the night, that there is no warm body to snuggle up against. There is no sweet person to find my heating pad; no cute person to shove his arm underneath my back in the middle of the night. No place to rub my feet. And yes, it feels like my mind is trying to send me a message hours before I need to wake up, hours before light peeks through the horizon. It's like my whole body wants me to remember that part of it is still sad, part of it still misses the nooks & crannies that were him. The sleeping us.

So let's cut a deal 3:30 a.m. I tell the world how awesome you are, and you let me sleep through the night. It's a win-win, really. Because the world offers you much more publicity than one, single librarian ever could. And it's really not fair for you to take your own grief out on someone else.

With much love,

Shannon

List # 34

It was a long day for this librarian, dear readers. A split shit, no real lunch, story time, prep for tomorrow's baby lapsit debut and a staff meeting in which I rolled out a new cash register/money system. I even had a patron from my old library, returned after two months abroad, walk in the doors and be so genuinely excited to see me. He had, in fact, been wondering where I disappeared to in his absence. It was one of those days where I felt energized by my own ideas. And seeing as today was International Women's Day, I thought it fitting that I was rocking my library in heels & a skirt & feeling kick ass.

So today's list is a short one, because this extra long day, has wiped me out and all I really want do is bury myself under the covers & sleep into the morning. But it's my original, almost silly, list of why I love being a woman. The little things that I'm thankful are mostly meant just for girls like me.

1. Tights & skirts are infinitely more comfortable than pants. You know that Tide commercial featuring a young tight enthusiast? That's me, but knocking on the door to 30. Tights & skirts (and dresses too) let me free to run & jump & dance. Plus, feel sexy to boot.

2. True girlfriends are uplifting & supportive. Let's face it, I've used my (to quote the late 90s/early 20s) phone-a-friend more than once this year. But I actually think I've been on the receiving end of more calls/chats/messages/texts. I love that my girlfriends are here for me, I love that I work with women who boost confidence & work together.

3. Being a sorority girl is quite alright. I became a sorority girl my second semester of college (when formal recruitment takes place) and I will be very honest in telling you that it was the best decision I made during my four years of school. My sorority gave me leadership opportunities, it taught me the meaning of bonds, opened up doors for me across campus & beyond. Maybe some people see sororities as a way to "pay for friends" and I doubt there is little any Greek person can do to change their mind. But trust when I say it's more about a support system, fun and friendship for life than anything else.

4. Changing opinions and changing our mind is a woman's not-so-secret secret. It's the cliche, yes. That women will change their outfits 5 times before going out, change their hairstyles monthly & much, much more. I know I'm not the extreme but I won't apologize for changing my opinions. I won't apologize for changing my plans. And I won't apologize for changing my outfit before leaving.

Now as March is Women's History Month, I plan on more Women-Related posts. But I kept it light & fluffy your sanity & mine tonight, Dear Readers. But tell me, what are some of your favorite female indulgences?

List # 33

A good friend mentioned today that she found herself feeling as if she was the only single girl in the world. And even though she knows she's not, even though all of us single girls know we're not, it's hard to escape this overwhelming emotion. It's actually one that has been circling around my own heart & mind recently, not quiet settling but just waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce.

I don't ever recall, when I was part of the coupled, feeling as if we were the pair in relationship. Sure, I remember the whirlwind romance of in the first few weeks. Spending late summer & early autumn exploring the city, finding the oddest places as we campaigned, those electrified kisses and the very first "I love you" which he said first, over ice cream. My follow-up came days later, snuggled in bed. But I don't actually recall every feeling like we were out there alone. So much of the world caters to the duo, it's easy to just feel at ease, not worry about the way it was when you were one.

And then when you're one again, it just seems that everywhere the world is reminding you that you're staring over. So why do I sometimes feel as if I'm the only single girl left? Well, that would be tonight's list.

1. There is no one calling me on the way home from work/class. Oh. This has been a doozy for me the past two weekends. I used to get a phone call, every weekend that the ex worked, when he was done and coming home. The same silly name he called me, the same question about evening plans, the same happiness in his voice. Oh my, did I not expect such a small, trivial thing to be missed so much. I miss that voice & I miss that phone call. And it's pretty easy to feel like no one out there is thinking about you when the phone doesn't ring as much anymore.

2. Facebook is full of coupled photos & posts. I guess FB is very much what you make of it. And it's a great tool for keeping in touch, it's an awesome way to laugh with friends every day. But I think, and I bet I take some criticism for this, it can often be a competition. Some would probably say that competition may be in my own head, but when we're only sharing the joyous moments in our lives, it can easy to think you're the only who is out there struggling.

3. Wedding season is upon us. Or, alternatively, the new wedding--the 30th Birthday. I actually only have 1 wedding to attend this summer and I'm thrilled beyond thrilled about it. It's going to kick ass and be the best party of the year. But it's still tough to think about going to this wedding alone. Especially when the ex knew this couple, was friends with them & would talk about how much fun it was going to be too. And actually, it's the 30th Birthday that looms in the distance for me that kind of drags me down. I love birthdays all around. But when you're recently single, in the darkest of moments, you can't help but wonder if you're own 30th will be marked with festivities, or just a cake at work. Because flying solo for weddings, as well as big parties & festivals, isn't nearly as fun as they make it out to be in the movies.

4. Sleeping alone every night. I snuggle with the blankets I had on our bed. And there is no fan, no overwhelming heat. Even now that I can do it alone, I still don't like it.

Of course there have been many times recently that I am glad to call myself single, but for tonight, I just wanted to shed a few tears & express the sad.

Thanks, lovelies.

Misc # 10

This weekend was balance between responsibility and quiet restoration. Good books, quiet moments, a bit of socialization, warm blankets, gentle rain and what I hope to be winter's last nod. But behind that, frustration, duties & the stress I'm trying to juggle.

I really want to be able to write a longer blog post tonight. One answering a question a friend asked this weekend, about the status of my heart; a question that requires more explantation than I have patience for tonight. Because I'm actually feeling quiet sad tonight. A little like a disappointment, a little disappointed. I feel overwhelmed and lost. And that's not really how I feel all of the time.

So no list or letter tonight, just a spot to mark. Just another quiet moment this weekend to stay wrapped up in my own head.

Here's to a good week, let's hope!

List # 33

Thanks to my internal clock I awoke earlier than I had planned for a rainy, nothing-to-do Saturday. And thanks to a third night of realistic & wacky dreams, I am creating a list.

Things I Dreamt About This Week:

1. I dreamt that I had my hair done in a big, 1950s-style bouffant. I was modeling this hair style for a show & was very worried about it getting messed up before going to work at the library. So worried, in fact, that I woke up in a panic that I was messing up my hair as I slept. See, normally when I wake in the morning my hair looks like a toddler's and that is obviously detrimental to my bouffant. Also, I suffered a terrible neck ache the next day because I know I was so worried about ruining my hair while I slept.

2. Later in the week I dreamt I was assigned Chevy Chase as a partner for a film project. We had to work together all day & all night. Then, I was told that it was my job to make the general public think Chevy Chase is a good person, since his reputation had been torn apart by a misunderstanding in the media.

3. Last night I dreamt that I moved to Indianapolis. I've been to Indy and I know what the town looks like. Except in my dream it was a cross between Blade Runner & the wild, wild west. In my dream, a proper means of transportation was a stage coach. I also had realistic conversations with people that currently live in that city, voices & mannerisms and all. And then somehow, the ex moved there too and his whole family was involved & tried to give me explantations that I just wasn't having. I just wanted to ride in the stage coaches & attend class...because apparently I was also a student again. But studying what, the dream never got around to explaining.

Let me explain that I have always had a habit of very vivid dreams since I was a very little girl. Sometimes, I'm lucid & can control what's happening too. And I'm definitely not taking any sleeping aids anymore (they were quite handy right after the break-up) and I only had 2 tiny glasses of wine last night.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share. Happy Weekend.

List # 32

At approximately 2:17 this afternoon, I felt blissfully happy. The sun was shining, there was spring crispness in the air and I felt like I was on the verge of an awakening. It was one of those few, fleeting moments of pure happiness and I honest-to-goodness felt as if nothing and no one could bring me down.

What isn't there to love about right now? A guy didn't want to be with me & I moved back in with my parents. Oh well. The world didn't fall apart. I'm actually pretty happy & surviving just fine. And even though that guy owes me $5 because Christian Bale did win an Oscar, he may just prove to be right about one thing: his leaving will probably be the best thing for me. There is pep in my step.

So today's list? A brief look at the things that had me smiling wide at 2:17 pm. I understand myself enough to know that 2:17 pm tomorrow, or the next day, or the next could have me feeling something completely different...but for today, I'll take smiles & comfort winning out over anxiety, loneliness, guilt & fear.

1. Librarianship. I'm one of those people who look forward to going to work each day, even if I don't like getting up early. My co-workers make me laugh, have similar visions, aren't judgmental & are supportive. Also, they can laugh/worry about Charlie Sheen and not feel like it's too low brow or beneath them.

2. Passion. Though this is tied into my profession, I'm just so thankful that I get to be a community member that makes a difference, bridges connections and gets to laugh & talk about books with people of all ages. Everyday.

3. Good Friends. They are near & far, but their coffee meetings, weekend walks, tweets, emails & gchats just make me feel so loved. So many people who love me for who I am & understand what it's like to be starting our third decade & sometimes, feeling a little lost & insecure. I wish I could see every one of them every day.

4. Outpouring of support. So many wonderful, sweet & completely unexpected people have sent comments, messages, emails and tweets telling me how much they are enjoying this blog. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words. This blog is a project that is fueling me and filled with my heart. It just warms me knowing that people are even reading, let alone enjoying.

5. Creativity. This blog. Programming. My new interest in taking fashion risks. All of it is creativity that I feel surging in ways that have been missed for a long time.

6. My awesome boobs. I'm not going to lie or try to be modest here. I love my chest, on the bigger side, and I love cute bras & knowing I am a sexy, more-than-you'd-ever-suspect, more-than-you-bargained-for woman. I'm pretty sure someone out there would appreciate it too.

7. Giggles. I laugh every day. And for this I am eternally grateful.

8. Family. My family, from parents to grandparents to cousins. They are supportive & wacky & funny. We are large, we are thick & we are a riot to be around. I'm just glad I have this Irish-Catholic brood to surround me.

9. Brown Eyes. Another favorite feature of mine. Big & bold. I remember kids in my 3rd grade class talking about how big my eyes could get & then my old students using them as a way to gauge when I was really upset. I am emotional. My eyes are expressive.

10. Shoes. Do I feel a renewed interest in heels coming on? Does slipping on a pair of my favorites make me feel sexy & confident even on cold mornings? Yes. I don't care if the only library tasks I have in a day are planning activities from my desk, telling skeevy men that the library is not a place to look at porn, ordering next month's awful James Patterson novel & explaining that I can't actually answer your tax question...I might as well do it feeling good about myself.

Here is to more moments like 2:17, lovelies. What makes you undeniably happy?

List # 31

I'm not really in angsty mood today, but for the past few days I've been thinking about how some songs just feel so good when we listen to them. Particularly, I've been noticing my own energy and emotions when I get to sing "F*ck You." And though my family would probably vote me as the member to having the worst potty mouth, I really don't think I swear all too often.

I admit, I've been known to yell the F-word at particular moments & I'm sure even said the phrase to some people in my life. Words are tools and sometimes a good curse just takes all the tension, all that hurt and put it out in the open. It may not solve anything, but I know it sometimes just makes me feel better. It's as if saying those words that were banned a child let's me own my emotions. I feel relief. Quickly followed by guilt. But guilt is something I feel pretty much every day thanks to 8 years of Catholic school. So what the hell, I can deal with a few ounces more.

So, here is my list of favorite songs that celebrate the grand-daddy of curse words.





1. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons: The song that inspired this post because I'm listening to it all of the time & I can't help but think of what the other person thinks when he hears it. There is so much emotion here, I can feel it boiling over in his voice. And emotion boiling over is kind of my expertise, in all walks of life, in all of my 29 years.

2. F*ck You by Cee-Lo Green: The second time this song has made an appearance on a blog playlist because it's just that good. How can you not walk with a dash of pride in your step with this playing? It's the song that would be playing over the best break-up scene/get revenge scene Hollywood could write.

3. Untouchable Face by Ani Defranco: A song that I haven't listened to since Allegheny College & reminds of Schultz Hall, hallmates & lovers scorned. Such a good song for all those reasons, plus the many curses.

4. F*ck You by Lily Allen: Though not one to ever be on my regular playlist, it's a song that comes to mind for many when this theme is mentioned. And I am a sucker for songs that sound peppy but are really setting out to prove something different. (See Cee-Lo Green)

6. Foundations by Kate Nash: Though the F-word is not actually sung in this song, the sentiment is there. And you know what? Sometimes the basic S-word will work just as fine. I like to think this is the song I would write if I had the talent, the voice & the guts. I've thought that for years & actually, this song reminds more of a boring engineer than anyone else. But when it appears in my playlist, I never just listen only once.

So what do you think, dear readers? Am I missing any doozies?

Letter # 12

Dear March,

I'm so happy to see you arrive. In fact, my happiness almost surprises me because it was only a few weeks ago when I could feel winter in my heart so strongly that I think I would have been content for it to stay the remainder of the year. But this year should be no different, and one day I wake up feeling ready to send winter back to its own hibernation. And now I am officially ready for spring.

I am ready for evening walks, good books paired lunch in the warm sun and daffodils peeping from the earth. I am ready for new beginnings.

Because you were actually as awesome as this girl could hope for on your first day. You threw productivity and smiles and giggles and friendship my way. I'm really grateful for that & I'm happy that this month already seems brighter than the last two. There are no trips planned in the immediate future, no big milestones to pass the time, but just the simple daily things that are getting better. all the time.

One thing though, March. I'm entering you with caution navigating my every move. Because I'm still overwhelmed. And part of me is so scared to make any quick movements for fear all of the terrible sadness will come back in a flood. I would be lying if I said it doesn't take every ounce of my being to keep the tears back on some nights. I would be lying if I didn't admit to feeling lost and forgotten.

It comes out of nowhere really, March, and so I need you to remember to be more lamb than lion this time around. Because I'm tired of feeling like my opinions don't matter. I'm worried that I won't be able to walk on eggshells much longer. I don't like feeling as if I have been tossed aside. And I don't like feeling that so much is on hold. I've had enough tears and enough being torn apart from so many angles. I'm tired. I'm just tired of feeling that it's not one thing, it's not one person, it's a whole flurry of change that I just didn't want. It's a whole mess of people not in my life and it's a whole lot of guilt and responsibility. Each story separate but together.

What do I ask, March? I want to be the most to someone, I want to be able to open my mouth and not be scorned for saying the wrong thing, I want to laugh with someone before bed. I want someone to hug me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Ugh, I know...I'm being demanding now. I'm sorry, March, you're new and I don't expect too much. Really.

I'm just asking for a little more sunshine, a little less gloom as spring pushes its way through the clouds. I'd really appreciate it. You're on the right track, so let's keep chugging along.

Love Always,

Shannon