List # 36

These days though I'm finding it easier to be a one, I'm finding myself swollen, for a least a few moments when I least expect it. It's like the best person I thought I knew just takes a hold of me. And I can't really explain it other than to tell you that my whole body feels swollen with his absence. Sometimes I can feel it; in the obvious places like my gut, heart and head. But sometimes, too, in my limbs. It's like my body is remembering that it has all of this stuff stored up that it wants to share, it has all this love that just had to disappear, and it remembers that it doesn't really know how to dispose of it. It's just missing.

When I find myself overcome in this way, I immediately start to make a list of the things that bring me joy during that moment. And even if these happy things can feel bittersweet because they are happy things that I can't share, they are mine nonetheless.

My go-to list of the moment:

1. I have a best-kept-secret view of downtown Pittsburgh from my library. It's the perfect spot to watch fireworks & I really hold out hope that the next guy is going to want to make watching them a romantic priority too. My long-awaited & tormented love affair of this town lives on.

2. The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all, the scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling. Because I want to be friends with Adele & all the good women I know feel the same way. How someone can belt out such raw emotions keeps me in awe. It's a talent I will never possess.

3. The list of things of which I'm happy I no longer need to be concerned. We all know the story that I wasn't the one who decided to end it all. But every person has things in the relationship they were frustrated with, felt completely lost over, wanted to change, wanted to scream about...and well, we all can understand. An open forum is not the place to hash them out for they are no one's business but mine and his, but when I'm feeling like I just want him back, I conjure up reminders.

4. Spring Rain. It is soft, cool & calming. Even when it comes in torrents, it is only hear to wash away the residue of the long winter and bring along brighter days. Brighter days filled with long walks and bird songs.

5. Good Books to Read at Lunch. The pleasure of having a real honest-to-goodness lunch break every day for the first time in my professional career. And then having that pleasure topped by settling with a gripping book that you just can't put down. Lunchtime Rejuvenation.

So tell me lovelies, what thoughts/actions help you get out of emotional moments? What gets you focused after a sad interruption in your day?


  1. I went to Green Tree's library the week before I left Pittsburgh. The view really blew me away, glad to hear about your daily enjoyment of it.

  2. "So tell me lovelies, what thoughts/actions help you get out of emotional moments? What gets you focused after a sad interruption in your day?"

    It speaks volumes for your mental health that you can do this. You're very fortunate in that regard.

  3. Grazianohmygod, Aw I'm glad you checked us out (even though I wasn't here yet). I really like what we've got going on here, view & beyond. I have a thing for fireworks on the fourth. And I don't think any guy has ever really gotten it just yet.


    I know I'm forunate for my mental health. We all deal with our own battles & I wish everyone the strength to get through them.