1.3.11

Letter # 12

Dear March,

I'm so happy to see you arrive. In fact, my happiness almost surprises me because it was only a few weeks ago when I could feel winter in my heart so strongly that I think I would have been content for it to stay the remainder of the year. But this year should be no different, and one day I wake up feeling ready to send winter back to its own hibernation. And now I am officially ready for spring.

I am ready for evening walks, good books paired lunch in the warm sun and daffodils peeping from the earth. I am ready for new beginnings.

Because you were actually as awesome as this girl could hope for on your first day. You threw productivity and smiles and giggles and friendship my way. I'm really grateful for that & I'm happy that this month already seems brighter than the last two. There are no trips planned in the immediate future, no big milestones to pass the time, but just the simple daily things that are getting better. all the time.

One thing though, March. I'm entering you with caution navigating my every move. Because I'm still overwhelmed. And part of me is so scared to make any quick movements for fear all of the terrible sadness will come back in a flood. I would be lying if I said it doesn't take every ounce of my being to keep the tears back on some nights. I would be lying if I didn't admit to feeling lost and forgotten.

It comes out of nowhere really, March, and so I need you to remember to be more lamb than lion this time around. Because I'm tired of feeling like my opinions don't matter. I'm worried that I won't be able to walk on eggshells much longer. I don't like feeling as if I have been tossed aside. And I don't like feeling that so much is on hold. I've had enough tears and enough being torn apart from so many angles. I'm tired. I'm just tired of feeling that it's not one thing, it's not one person, it's a whole flurry of change that I just didn't want. It's a whole mess of people not in my life and it's a whole lot of guilt and responsibility. Each story separate but together.

What do I ask, March? I want to be the most to someone, I want to be able to open my mouth and not be scorned for saying the wrong thing, I want to laugh with someone before bed. I want someone to hug me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. Ugh, I know...I'm being demanding now. I'm sorry, March, you're new and I don't expect too much. Really.

I'm just asking for a little more sunshine, a little less gloom as spring pushes its way through the clouds. I'd really appreciate it. You're on the right track, so let's keep chugging along.

Love Always,

Shannon

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