List #149: Bruno Mars Makes Me Cry

Sometimes I cry big fat tears that roll down my cheeks like thunder. Other times, I cry tiny hiccups of tears as I try to surpress whatever it is that is bothering me. Sometimes, I cry simple silent misty-eyed tears when Bruno Mars makes me.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't really Bruno Mars who made me cry. Though I do love him more than I should ever admit.  But the amount of love and romance in this video. I love that this man loves this woman so much that he wants to sing Bruno Mars to her. I love that he loves her so much that he took the time to plan this elaborate proposal. I love that her friends love them both so much that they took the time out to take part in this,  and clearly practice. 

We've established that I'm not overly romantic. I prefer casual dinners and beers in the living room than  fancy nights out on the town. But I like jokes. I like pop music. And I like to laugh. I want to believe so much in my heart that there is a man who wants to pop the question to me one of these days and make me laugh and smile for the rest of our lives. 

And no, I don't expect any hopeful future proposal to include my dancing parents and friends Skyping from distant locations. If it happens, I imagine it will be small and quiet and casual. That's more my style, and I'd imagine, more his too. But maybe filled with some laughter too. An inside joke. Like a few dancing Jews.

Followed by a quick ceremony. Perhaps an elopement. Maybe even fast decision we make together and come back an announce to many later.

But you know what? Maybe my scared little heart will watch this a few more times. And be grateful that love like this exists. And be happy that Bruno Mars can make me a little misty-eyed because the world is still full of happy, romantic things.


List #148: A Lack of Motivation is Bringing me Down

I've been a lazy blogger. I'll admit it. I don't really want to apologize for it because this is just a place to write things on the Internet. But my schedule has been thrown since my April move. See? I used to blog in the morning before work. And now, I just want to lay in bed a bit longer. And I don't want to spend the money on tea or coffee. Plus, there is a whole bunch of other stuff like work stress and life and well, feeling like I may have run out of things to say.

So, today's list, in a push to get myself to write more, is a collection of things I've been doing and what I've been thinking while I've been leaving you to hang out on the Internet without me:

  • Trying to get the library in tip-top shape for summer. This is what happens every year.
  • Visiting schools and being the neighborhood librarian. Getting myself out into the community more.
  • Wondering if I'll always be a damsal in distress. Because my anxiety says yes.
  • Wondering if I'm only good at writing when I am a damsal in distress. Because my lack of writing says yes.
  • Actually dating someone. And liking him. Shhh.
  • And actually very quiet about this on the blog. It's one thing to blog my life, another to blog someone else.
  • Attending weddings. It's what I do.
  • Trying to catch up on my reading. The goal of 52 books by the end of the year seems so far away.
  • Fearing that I'll have wrinkly cleavage. I just love my boobs too much for this.
  • Walking. Sometimes, though not often, two times a day.
  • Daydreaming about vacations. And how they are needed and how I will pay for them.
  • Feeling (and fearing) that I'm running out of things to say. And hoping to find some inspiration soon.
  • Wondering how I can squeeze extra time in the day. Or at least be better at managing my own.
I can only hope that I write more than one post this week. Let's do this. And for those of you still around, thank you for sticking by me.


Letter #38: Things I Want You to Know, Part 9

Dear New Apartment,
You're still a little sparse and I'm living without a dresser. But you know that despite my girly personality, I'm actually quite simple. I once had to wash my clothes in the bathtub for an entire year, so I can handle storing my underthings in a laundry basket for a little bit of time. I love you, new apartment, for the promise that you hold and the quiet nights you bring.

Dear Chicago,
You're a city that I've never really visited as an adult. But this week? I find myself wanting to move to you. And move to you quickly. Does it have to do with reading about the world's fair and these commercials:

Dear Every Ex-Boyfriend Ever,
The sex is so, so, so, so much better.

Dear Bobbi Brown Cosmetics,
I really need new lipgloss and soon enough, lipstick. Yours is my favorite. You'd be a dear if you sent some to the aforementioned new apartment, thanks.

Dear Guy I Made Out with at a DMB Concert in 1999,
I had yet to graduate high school. And you were definitely in college. I was young and foolish and telling you I was in a sorority was a stupid idea. I know I looked older for my age, but come on.Sorry about that. And I accept your apology too.


List #147: Where Are the Single Ladies?

Tonight was the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. And we finally found out what we've been waiting to see since this time last year: just who Barney Stinson was marrying.

And if you don't want any spoilers, stop reading here.  I'll give you some page space for safety.

The I'm reading now. Better late than never.

A pretty NSFW photo of Adam Levine. He's that hot, ladies and gents.

Barney's Bride

I was probably one of the few fans of the show pulling for the bride NOT to be Robin. I didn't really want it to be Stripper Quinn either. And thought for a moment that we might end up seeing Barney and Victoria get married. But nope, it's Robin. And unless we think that the writers are going to give us yet another runaway bride scenario, we can fully assume that Barney and Robin eventually tie the knot. 

And I don't like it. See, I can relate to Robin's sad eyes when Barney announces his engagement. Just as much as I can relate to Ted looking at that newborn and thinking he's so far away from being a parent. This year and season, I have felt her struggles with a successful career, the battle of children and broken relationships more than ever before. Robin has grown to be my kindred woman. Sure, I'm more like Leslie Knope than any other TV character, but Robin and I would have a lot to talk about at a dinner party.

But all through the series, Robin has held steady to the notion that she doesn't want to get married. She wants to travel the world. She doesn't want kids. And I want to see a strong female television character who doesn't need the man to be happy in the end. 

I still have hope that I'll settle down and find a love that will last. But I also know that if I don't? I'll be okay. It's just tough sometimes, feeling like your'e getting left behind or that everyone else is figuring out while you're struggling to pay the bills. And having Robin be okay in spite of heartbreak, in spite of going at it alone. Well, it helped.

But yeah, maybe it's selfish but I'd like to see at least one major television show feature a woman who is okay with never getting married. Who doesn't find the long-term love and still loves life. I just want one character who does it all on her own. Because there is a lot of us out there doing just that. Not all of us get great loves, not all of us get the choices we envisioned. Some of us are trying every day. Some of us have jobs we adore. Some of us want to travel and keep learning and aren't' really sure if having a baby will be the right thing. So I want real life in my TV. Is that so wrong? Probably. Even Sexy and the City didn't do it. 

There was a lot I liked about this season finale. And I lot that I didn't (Marshall & Lily, don't tell your friend the minute you have a baby that he can't contact you unless the problem is an 8. He's a smart man, he'll figure it out. You're his family and you know this).

I'm hoping for more next year. At least we'll get Victoria for a bit, and she's the only girlfriend of Ted's that I've honestly liked. And in the meantime, maybe I'll write my own television series. 


List #146: Missing Laura Lynn

Laura's Tattoo
Hummingbird, Hope, Joy

A year ago today I lost my beautiful and hilarious cousin to melanoma. She was 30. And had the funniest laugh you could ever hear. She was snark and support in one neat package. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

When Laura passed away, I learned at her wake, that she had spent a portion of her last conversations with family members talking about me. See, if you don't remember I was going through a rough patch the first part of 2011. In fact, the whole year is on record as the toughest I've ever had to face to date. And my cousin was worried about me.

I'm sure she knew that when we finally left us, we'd be shattered. I'm sure she knew that there would be times when we thought we could not go on. That one more stick on our pile of sadness, stress, and unfairness would just break us. But she was brave.

My sadness for her never really leaves. And I find myself welling up with tears whenever I talk about her for longer than a sentence or two. I would give anything to have another night with her. Sharing laughter and tears over drinks. So yes, in some ways I think when someone you love so much goes away, you never stop being shattered.

But Laura helped to give my happiness back. It was because of her that I vowed to start kicking the shit out of life. To recover from a different sadness that was engulfing too much of my life.

And I'm sure that if she and I were to have a drink together, she'd have some choice words about some of the decisions I've made this year. She'd shake her head and roll her eyes and laugh at my foolishness. But she'd be happy that I am happy.

So last night, when I fully realized that the next morning would mark a year, I cried. I cried in the bed of a relationship I believe is finally growing roots. I cried because I miss my cousin. I cried because a year has gone by so quickly. I cried because I came out of the gloomy darkness stronger. I cried because we can't ever have even one day to relive. I cried because I don't get to text her silly messages or ask for advice. I cried because there is always a moment now, at every family function, when I am standing alone. I cried because wherever she is, at least she's free.

And because I am certain she knows that happiness is here. And because I think she looks at all of us and recognizes our own bravery. And because I'm even more certain she's not done helping me with those last things I whispered in her ear.

Love. Always.


Project #15: Bachelorette Parties

Not mine, of course. But the parties that celebrate friends who are getting married. That bring out the wildchild inside every woman. And where it's okay to get plastered in front of your future mother-in-law while drinking from a penis straw.

And while I can't really picture myself deciding to go this route if I ever have the traditional wedding. It's fun to enjoy with friends. It's fun to see the men get crazy when a bride is around. Or the men who will beg for the single girls in the bridal party to exchange numbers. As if we're all desperate and on the prowl.

So go on friends, keep getting married. And I'll keep enjoying the specials. As I take photos and request the DJ to play "Back Dat Ass Up" and run off the dance floor when "Single Ladies" start.

Because it's at Bachelorette parties where I take photos like this one. While getting to get my groove on with best friends and old friends and friends collected around the way.

So yeah, that's what I did this weekend.