I don't ever recall, when I was part of the coupled, feeling as if we were the pair in relationship. Sure, I remember the whirlwind romance of in the first few weeks. Spending late summer & early autumn exploring the city, finding the oddest places as we campaigned, those electrified kisses and the very first "I love you" which he said first, over ice cream. My follow-up came days later, snuggled in bed. But I don't actually recall every feeling like we were out there alone. So much of the world caters to the duo, it's easy to just feel at ease, not worry about the way it was when you were one.
And then when you're one again, it just seems that everywhere the world is reminding you that you're staring over. So why do I sometimes feel as if I'm the only single girl left? Well, that would be tonight's list.
1. There is no one calling me on the way home from work/class. Oh. This has been a doozy for me the past two weekends. I used to get a phone call, every weekend that the ex worked, when he was done and coming home. The same silly name he called me, the same question about evening plans, the same happiness in his voice. Oh my, did I not expect such a small, trivial thing to be missed so much. I miss that voice & I miss that phone call. And it's pretty easy to feel like no one out there is thinking about you when the phone doesn't ring as much anymore.
2. Facebook is full of coupled photos & posts. I guess FB is very much what you make of it. And it's a great tool for keeping in touch, it's an awesome way to laugh with friends every day. But I think, and I bet I take some criticism for this, it can often be a competition. Some would probably say that competition may be in my own head, but when we're only sharing the joyous moments in our lives, it can easy to think you're the only who is out there struggling.
3. Wedding season is upon us. Or, alternatively, the new wedding--the 30th Birthday. I actually only have 1 wedding to attend this summer and I'm thrilled beyond thrilled about it. It's going to kick ass and be the best party of the year. But it's still tough to think about going to this wedding alone. Especially when the ex knew this couple, was friends with them & would talk about how much fun it was going to be too. And actually, it's the 30th Birthday that looms in the distance for me that kind of drags me down. I love birthdays all around. But when you're recently single, in the darkest of moments, you can't help but wonder if you're own 30th will be marked with festivities, or just a cake at work. Because flying solo for weddings, as well as big parties & festivals, isn't nearly as fun as they make it out to be in the movies.
4. Sleeping alone every night. I snuggle with the blankets I had on our bed. And there is no fan, no overwhelming heat. Even now that I can do it alone, I still don't like it.
Of course there have been many times recently that I am glad to call myself single, but for tonight, I just wanted to shed a few tears & express the sad.