List #87: Sunday Blues

Remember that part about me hating Sundays? I probably say it at least once a month (if not every time I blog on Sunday). Sundays are a big ball of nostalgia, depression, anger, anticipation. Though some are worst than others. I wish I could stop this mass of emotion from spinning, but it's a rare Sunday night when I feel calm.

So what am I thinking about tonight? A list:

• The two hummingbirds I saw for just a few seconds today. Male in the morning, female in the evening. I've been asking all summer for them and I'm trying to not get greedy and ask for more.
• The ache to be somewhere else. A new city, a new country, a new adventure that is meant only for me.
• Why in the world people on the Internet think they can ask for dirty pictures. Seriously, it's Twitter. Who do you think you are?
• How good books can be like the best friend you didn't know you had. This is kind of a regular thought for me and has been since approximately age 3.
• How lucky I am to have such sweet and caring friends. Sometimes I don't think I count my blessings enough, but you're always included.
• The Pacific Northwest and a Wild and Wonderful State. Could it be possible that two, lovely trips with fantastic people are in the works?
• The desire for a grand gesture. I tend to look back on my experiences filled with melancholy on Sundays and I can honestly say I think my life is severely lacking a grand gesture.
• As much as "Rolling in the Deep" has been overplayed and overdone, 21 is still one of the best albums of the year. And I'm glad I listened from start to finish tonight.
• Batman is being filmed in my city right now. And I think I care less than the average population.
• What lies beyond this month. Because I'm not quite sure I can handle the swirl of emotions if it isn't different.
• Lost jewelry. Seriously, I think I'm more upset about this 7 months later than I was in January. It's easy to miss things once you discover they are gone.
• Popsicles. Are so much more superior than ice cream.

So what occupies your thoughts on Sunday nights? Because it doesn't matter the circumstances, this list always compiles itself on a Sunday night. And I'd like to think I'm not alone.

Note # 4: Countdown

Today marks exactly two months until the day that I turn 30. And I think it's safe to say the freakout begins now.

And just for today I don't want to hear about how 30s are better than 20s. And I don't want to hear about how there is so much in front of me. I don't want to be reminded that I'm established and that I spent the time on me.

Because from where I stand 30 looks lonely. And I'm not quite sure than anyone who said 30s are better than anything before was a.) single b.) supporting parents c.) living with an disabled parent d.) struggling to feel like they've arrived. Or at least not all of these combined. And yes, I realize that many people my age are in far sadder, struggling shoes. I lost one just this year. And yes, these are white girl problems but sometimes I want to feel entitled to bitch. And sometimes I want to cry, a lot. And a lot of the time, I wish I had a fairy godmother.

List # 86: Things I Can't Write About

Sometimes I have the perfect blog post and I just don't write it. I get too worried that someone is going to read it and identify themselves. I worry that I'm going to cross some line that I won't be able to take back. But in the end, I just want to write.

I started this blog knowing that I would never reveal everything about me. I'm a social girl but I have to be honest in that I kind of hate running into people that I have to chitchat with. I'd rather tell you my whole life story that make small talk about something. Or only have conversations about plates and paint. So it would only make sense that I'd keep some mystery here. Trust me, that there has been a lot that's happened that won't grace the pages here.

But I'm on a mission to break through the barriers that scare me. I have this lingering desire to get back into writing stories. I want to write essays of my life. And I worry that no one will want to read them or they won't go anywhere.

So tonight I'm declaring what I want to write about, but so far, can't. In a mix of fiction and non-fiction, I'd like to create stories that illustrate:

Cousins in the summer as a children, laughing at jokes.

The hurt and pain you can feel when someone ignores you physically.

How saying "no" to a date in high school could change your whole course of action.

The day you discover your significant other spends more time looking at porn than looking at you.

Bearded men at Starbucks, drinking lattes in the morning.

Hot afternoons spent in the doorways, smelling flowers and leading to sex.

I know this sounds so ridiculous jumbled together. And please, don't try to pick it apart to find out what part is true and what isn't. The fact remains that they are stories unwritten. And of course there are more.

So, dear readers, care to share some stories you would love to tell but have a hard time letting go of? Or, even better, do have some advice for a girl who wants to put these pieces out there.

List # 85: Compliments

1. Today I tweeted the above photo of me in the early morning, enjoying some iced tea before work. Lovely people on twitter told me how cute I looked.

2. Toddler Story Time, with 28 children and 27 adults, was a success. The children listened and the adults behaved. And more than a few parents came up to thank me and tell me wonderful my programs are. How much their children have fun and/or how thankful they are that they found this activity.

3. Girls waiting to head into town for the U2 concert, drinking beer or bourbon or who knows what else, shouted that they loved my dress. More than once.

4. A man whistled at me as I walked across the street with Starbucks in hand. I couldn't tell who it was, but I work on a very busy street and this was rush hour. I can only hope he was cute and/or maybe had a beard. I'm smart enough to know that he probably wasn't in my age range.

5. A very close friend who dates all the way back to my days at AC and KKG told me that I have handled my year and its troubles with grace. And that was, quite simply, the best compliment I have received all day.

Letter # 18: To Phil & Ira

Dear Ira Glass and Phil Collins,

Thanks for bringing up a repeated episode of This American Life on my phone this morning. Thanks for having silky smooth voices and understanding women (and men too) in ways that are only available through radio waves.

And thanks for letting this song play out in my head all. day. long.

I didn't really want it to be. There is no reason for it to be. But damn, Phil Collins you make single girls want to cry her eyes out, succumb to sadness and pick up the phone.

But Phil, I'm smarter than that and Ira knows I'd be disappointed in myself if I let go in such ways. And I'd like to imagine that If you were both here, you'd shout to him* "Yeah, take a look at her now. She's awesome. You missed out." And then a whole different, but equally awesome saxophone solo would start playing as we walked away. And my voice would appear on next week's radio show.

Thanks, Phil and Ira. You're the best.

~Shannon

*all men who have done me wrong, and all men who may do so in the future.

Letter # 17: Future Summer

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Right now we don't know when your first summer together will occur. I'd like to hold out hope that it will be sooner rather than later, but we both know that the world has a funny way of taking us down some winding paths. Nothing is every straight and simple and I know you'll know, making you truly appreciate the moment our paths meet.

But let's get prepared because that first summer is going to be a hot one. I hope it's a steamy one for us personally. Hot afternoons in bed with bourbon on ice or rum mixed with fruity smoothies. We'll take advantage of days off and nights too sticky to do anything but stay inside. Maybe we'll read together, for a bit, until our books can't captivate us anymore. But I have a feeling that it's going to a doozy in temperature too. I'll probably get cranky can complain that I look fat in just about everything I put on. Laugh at me and pull me back to bed. Tell me that it's just the heat talking and agree that walking outside feels like traveling in chocolate pudding.

I'll probably find a television show, that first aired years ago, and want you to watch it with me in the air-conditioned dark. Chances are you're like me and don't want watch too much television on a regular basis. Or at least that's what you like to think, but really you a few shows that come fall are on your "must see" list. And the one I'm watching our first summer may not be something you'd watch on your own, but you'll cuddle up and get hooked just as quickly as me. We'll drink wine, or cold beer, while under a blanket for a few hours and relish in lazy.

Then, on those first summer mornings, you'll want to wake early with me. Well, early enough to be up before midday but late enough that we're not up before the sun. And I'll be honest right now in saying that I hope you make me chai tea more than I make you coffee. But as long as we're being honest you'll say you don't mind because you know I make terrible coffee. And then maybe, after a cup of morning coffee and a dash of morning sex, you'll want to go bike riding, or walking, or out for breakfast. And because I am smitten so much, I'll have to say yes. Even if breakfast is my least favorite meal.

Looking forward to it and I know you are too.

Always,

Shannon

LIst # 83: Heat Wave!

Like most of the country, my city is in the middle of a heat wave that makes doing anything remotely physical outside unbearable. It was so hazy and humid today that it honestly felt like walking through pudding. And yeah, I get that come February I'll be once again dreaming of sticky, hot, summer afternoons. But come February, I will once again tell you that I only truly enjoy this type of hot when I'm sitting next to a large body of water.

So, what does this type of weather make me want to do?

1. Nafpaktos, Greece. I choose this town over an island because it's quiet, small and I know I could get spot on the beach near a cafe that would serve me Nescafe all afternoon. For this little day dream, I'd also like to bring all of my single girlfriends with me.

2. A raft in the pool. Preferably with a book and a pair of sunglasses. Also, I'd like a raft that has a spot for my drink too. Honestly, right now I think it's too hot for alcohol so just give me an endless supply of iced tea and I'll be fine.

3. Gelato. Preferably somewhere in Italy. I've never been to Italy and considering it's a Mediterranean county and therefore counts as being by a large body of water, I'll take it for this time of year. Maybe a handsome man to share some gelato with too. Could be any nationality. This isn't Eat, Pray, Love and being Italian is not a requirement. An American man would do just fine.

4. Cape Cod. Just a simple vacation, preparing meals in the house kitchen and spending the day walking the coastline and reading on the beach. Ideally, all of my book-loving friends would come along and we'd never run out of new things to read. And we'd cook some amazing vegetarian meals with some seafood thrown in for those of us that like it.

5. Zorba. Or if I can't have any of these fantasies, how about just a cold room with this movie playing. Anyone can come as long as they bring some type of dip-themed appetizer and a cold drink. Secret, true story: I think I barely read this book when it was assigned to me in college. Probably had to do with the fact that I was actually drinking retsina and not worried about reading modern Greek classics at the time. I fell in love with other stories then. But boy, do I love the movie.

List # 82: Reasons for a Wedding

I officiated my friends' wedding on Saturday night. And the entire time I stood in front of their closest family and friends, I couldn't believe that they trusted me to be a part of their big day. I could write a long post about how you prepare for the day and the ins and outs of the rehearsal dinner or how beautiful it is to attend a wedding in a history museum. But really, what fun is that?

So, my wedding recap:

1. I like to think that my performing the ceremony for friends without being married myself actually gives me some good karma. But I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't admit that I'm a little scared I won't find someone who wants to stand in front of a crowd for me.

2. The best weddings I have ever been to were full of tiny personal touches. And have felt like big parties meant for happiness.

3. My last relationship ended, in part, because my ex didn't "believe" in marriage. I don't understand that. It's a commitment you make in front of people, there doesn't have to be any religion involved and just shows that you want to declare love. Marriage may not be for some people, but it does exist.

4. I will admit that I hope to get married one day. It may be the romantic that is locked inside me somewhere, but it's true. That said, I think it truly is about the right commitment with the right person. Who knows what can happen in the future...

5. It's a little overwhelming to help a couple you love and respect say their vows. When you look at your friends whose relationship is peaceful and equal. It can give a single girl like me hope that strong, independent-spirited women can find a partner who loves every bit of us.

So, what do you think about weddings and marriage? And know that if you ever need someone to marry you, I'd happily do it.

List # 81: Bruno Mars

1. This song is the perfect blend of summer and pop.

2. I love that it's sweet and sugary and actually, kind of makes my heart melt.

3. I'm a girl and I just want someone to think I'm perfect as is.

Moments #7: The One Where I'm the Priest

So this happened last month.

And this weekend I will be performing the marriage ceremony for my dear friends Lauren and Shawn. It's an honor. I'm filled with excitement and nerves. And cannot wait to see such a wonderful, beautiful couple stand up and commit their lives to each other. Details will follow in a list, I promise. But for now I just had to share an event that is motivating me towards the weekend and allowing me to reflect on partnerships and love.

Performing a wedding ceremony for friends while being single doesn't jinx me, right? Instead it puts some good karma out in the world and hopefully it will find its way back to me. Here's hoping that I can one day find a love and relationship that is as caring and modern and lovely as my friends'.

Wish me luck and the couple good wishes!

List # 80: Life Moments, Overcome Edition

I came to the realization yesterday that Sundays are my most emotional day of the week. I think I've been this way since I was a young student and blame, partially, the stress of an upcoming week. The pressure to be good in school, to be the best I could be, to be great at my job, to be a good girl, to be a welcomed friend. And I think I still feel all of these pressures at 29.

Yesterday I found myself thinking introspectively and kind of amazed at how much I've come along in the first 6.5 months of the year. I actually found myself thinking about how I don't miss that best person I thought I knew as much anymore. I thought about how much fun this summer has been. What odd stories I have to share and what new surprises on are on my horizon. I was overcome with pride and excitement and weirdly enough, that made me feel alone.

You know that overwhelming feeling where you're brimming with news and emotion and yet there is no one around to share it with? Or you just have something in your heart and head that needs to get out but there is no outlet? It was that.

But then I realized that even though I miss rubbing my feet on someone in the morning, if I had those feet to rub perhaps some of the year would never have happened.

So tonight's list are things I probably wouldn't have done if not for the recent past:

• Getting approved to present a poster at my very first library conference. Because this just proves that I've got more determination and intelligence than sometimes given credit.
• Last minute lunch dates with men who listen. Because who doesn't like to be flattered and admired, but it's made even better by someone who is witty and reads in addition to being sweet.
• Black, vintage-style bathing suits and an ex-neighbor who still lets me in the pool for free. Because they look great with my curvy body and she didn't even bring that ex up even once.
• Futures in the city. Because I'm going to believe that this fall, Librarians in the City are going to replace the adventures of Sex in the City. With books are cardigans.
• Having the Post-Gazette come to my program this afternoon. Look for it in next Thursday's PG West.
• The Avett Brothers and Matt Nathenson. Because they are the nicest men to fall asleep to and best man to wake up to. Seriously, if you're a guy, with a beard and you can sing I will swoon.

So what has happened to you this summer that wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed on a certain course? What about beyond this summer?

Moments # 6: Beyonce is High on my Girl Crush List

I won't reveal any of my other girl crushes, cause honestly they should be a list of their own. But I love this song, this video and Beyonce too much not to post.

The other day I asked about summer songs. I'm gonna go ahead and declare this as mine. Seriously, how much is this song perfect for this period in my life? Especially after the events that happened over the past 6 months?



Even though it does bother me a little that Beyonce is happily married to Jay-Z and rocking life and a booty-shaking body.

So, dear readers, what song would you select to describe the first six months of your year? Share them in the comments.

List # 79: Best & Worst after Fireworks

Short weeks that leave out Monday always throw me off a bit. But then this week also had me working 2 nighttime librarian shifts, planning a boat load of programs, dealing with health issues and well, a bunch of other things. By the time I come home I have become so hot and exhausted the only realistic option is bed in a tank top and the air conditioning.

A short recap is needed to discuss the events of this week, so here it goes.

Best Things about the Week of July 4, 2011:

• Listening to a heavy metal 90s band with good friends & babies. It's the best way to celebrate America's birthday. Well, next to 76 trombones.
• Having the city's biggest newspaper call the library and say they want to come to a program next week to take pictures. Especially when you are running the program.
• Cocktails with old friends and new friends and a cover duo that will play Justin Bieber before 10 pm. Ohh, baby, baby, baby....
• Apartment hunting is a real thing. Like, could be living in a new place before I know it real thing.
• Google +. Fresh social media start that isn't that devil of Facebook.
• Treats n Sweets Ice Cream. A new place, new memories and a summer treat that costs 63 cents/scoop.

Worst Things about the Week of July 4, 2011:

• Being solo for fireworks. It just hurts the heart somewhere even if you don't fully admit it. And ignoring them isn't much fun.
• Finding a cyst on your breast. Having it aspirated and all that comes with it isn't' much fun either. But no worries, it's all okay, taken care of and I'm fine.
• Remembering that so many people you love don't live near. You just can't visit the world like you want.
• Seeing the country you love go through so much unrest. Because Greece feels like home.
• Logging into Google+ for the first time and having the first recommendation be your ex. Because really, Google? I need to see that face?!
• Summer Reading taking over your life in ways you didn't know possible. 5 programs next week.

But of course these lists prove that the good was better than the bad. And I'll take this week for the win. I even ate at my favorite grad school-inspired restaurant this week and got paid.

So, what do you say dear readers? Was your week a win or a loss? Tell us why & we'll share praise or sympathy in the comments.

Moments # 5: Counting can be Hard

Tonight I was looking through my blog posts and saw that recently the numbers got thrown off. This is annoying and I will fix it sometime over the weekend.

I have been in full throttle mode this week at the library. I work 2 evenings and it's only a 4 day week.

But I promise, some decent posts are coming soon.

In the meantime, what song have you been most excited to hear this summer? Every summer needs a theme song but I'm not quite sure I've found mine yet.

Moments # 4: Patriotic Music

Sure, I could link some Stephen Foster Wallace or John Philip Sousa. Or I could play some really corny cheesy music or show you "I'm Proud to be an American."

But nothing says Happy Independence Day! quite like this:

Happy Birthday, America!

Moments #3: 4th of July

I wrote a few months ago that I wanted to share fireworks on the 4th of July with someone in the best kept secret spot. That really won't be happening tomorrow. No relationship to settle into and no one to hold my hand at night.

And I could write a little bit about how this holiday, more than any, makes me feel like singledom is never going to end. Or how memories can come flooding back when you're repeating events.

But you know what? That, and so much more, may be true. But so is good friends who drink martinis and listen to cover bands. So are picnics filled with librarians and eating food that is really so American there isn't any other way to celebrate.

And I'm just going to focus on all of that and have fun. My best kept secret spot will still be there next year. And really, a lot can happen in one year.