List # 42

So the weekend's over, rather quickly as we all expect, and I'm not quite sure how to describe it in words. It was a busy one; with plans spread from Monday after work until late in the day on Sunday. And it was filled to the brim with friends and cake and drinks and a non-Sidney Crosby win and more. All in all, it was a very good weekend. The kind a single girl like me should be having & loving. And don't get me wrong, I did.

But I also watched this on Friday night after returning from a hockey game:

And as much as I am embarrassed to admit this, I needed these two to get together. I needed to see that the imperfect love, with bumps and setbacks, can happen. The girl who is on the mend needed to see fictional characters have their day & smile. And like a good book, this episode stuck with me all weekend. At one point, I even found myself feeling sad & old when out with girlfriends, as if I was never going to breakthrough this period in my life and that it was all going to stay the same.

I have never been the girl who easily gets the guy. I couldn't tell you when the last time an available guy told me he had a crush on me/told me liked me/thought I was cute because it just doesn't happen all that often. I'm not saying it has never happened, of course not. But my own relationships have taken awhile to get there. I feel like the odd girl so much of the time and it's nice to see that just maybe, the odd girl out gets the guy in the end.

There is a deep fear inside me that I will never be that girl. It's hard for me to admit, but sometimes I think that I will never be the girl that a guy wants to stick around for. I desperately don't want to be that girl who gets down on herself. And I'm not even close to being the girl who desperately wants and needs to have a boyfriend. But I know that one day, sooner rather than later, I will. And well? My faith that there is someone out there who will want to stick it out forever? Well, yeah. It's a tough one. Sometimes I truly wonder if I'm perpetually going to the single friend. Because doesn't everyone have to have a place in the dynamics of friendship? And I'm fearful there will be no room for me at the table.

Seeing your parents sick is really, really hard. And knowing that I'm doing it alone this time is even harder. I don't even really like to talk about it, because there was really only one person who knew the inner workings of my family and he opted not to be here. That's okay because it has to be. But still holding your breath for results and surgeries and time is not.

There is part of me that feels really ridiculous for writing a blog post inspired by a television show. But I don't think there was ever a time when I was rooting for a couple the way I was rooting for Michael & Holly. Maybe in Bridget Jones' Diary. Because obviously I am Bridget Jones. I don't read a lot of chick lit & I don't read any romance novels. And I just like to see people have romance in realistic ways. So f*ck it, I'm okay with writing about television and being touched by characters.

I dare you to watch that episode and not laugh & want to cry at the same time.


  1. Oh, Shannon, I feel the exact same way. I too was never the girl who easily gets a guy, and the guys I do get all seem to be, ahem, jerks. Maybe I am looking in the wrong places? Whatever the case, I fear that I will never find "the one" and that my life will consist of me, my friends, my family, and my books. Oh, and of course my cat. This will not be a bad life, as I love my friends and my family, and dressing up my cat in crazy outfits is quite fun. ;)

    But...still, there is hope. Hope is one of the strongest aspects of the human soul. We hope against all hope, because we believe that anything can happen. And with this intense hope comes faith. We have faith that our life will take a path that we can handle, that will bring us joy, peace, and love.

    This weekend, both my mother and my grandmother told me that they are praying for me, and that I will just find someone "like that, quickly, and it will be done." I cannot think of their hope as naive, because that is what happened for them. And their faith strengthens my own resolve.

    So here is my proposition: I will say a prayer for you, and you say one for me. To not lose hope, and to find faith deep in the soul. And to be intensely, amazingly happy.

    Thank you for your blog. It gives me hope. <3

  2. I don't want to make this about me, but Shan, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I never believed in meeting "the one" and falling in love fast and "just knowing." I knew I was going to be the single friend forever and I was fine with it; I thought it was my role in life. Like Lindsey, I had my Gram and friends and other family praying for me- a coworker said Novenas for me all fall! I shrugged it off and wondered what was wrong with me and why I only met jerks and tried to put on a happy face when my friends met people/ got married/ had children. I accepted that those things weren't for me but as you know, someone had other plans for me. I consider myself the "proof" that all those cliches people talk about, like "just knowing when you find it" are true.

    You are an amazing woman and you're so incredibly strong. I don't know why people good, confident, caring like you have to go through tough times but I do know you'll make it through them.

  3. I love this post, and I love your optimism, and I love Michael and Holly... not nearly as much as I used to love Jim and Pam, but that's another post for another blog. ;)

    You rock.

  4. So I guess I should ask more people to pray for me? Is that the key that I'm missing?

    Thank you ladies, for your outpouring of support. I really needed it today and I could easily feel your love.

  5. Shannon, I get the sick parent thing. I lost my mom back in the fall and everything leading up to that point, for the last seven years, was a horror. The strength to deal with it will come from somewhere, but it's okay to feel emotionally exhausted and selfish and angry, too. Thinking of you!