Note # 4: Countdown

Today marks exactly two months until the day that I turn 30. And I think it's safe to say the freakout begins now.

And just for today I don't want to hear about how 30s are better than 20s. And I don't want to hear about how there is so much in front of me. I don't want to be reminded that I'm established and that I spent the time on me.

Because from where I stand 30 looks lonely. And I'm not quite sure than anyone who said 30s are better than anything before was a.) single b.) supporting parents c.) living with an disabled parent d.) struggling to feel like they've arrived. Or at least not all of these combined. And yes, I realize that many people my age are in far sadder, struggling shoes. I lost one just this year. And yes, these are white girl problems but sometimes I want to feel entitled to bitch. And sometimes I want to cry, a lot. And a lot of the time, I wish I had a fairy godmother.


  1. This is one of the reasons why I stopped celebrating my birthday altogether. I've stopped telling people when it is. (If and when people ask, I tell them February 31st. Seriously.)

    Sadly, people have such a birthday fetish that it's impossible to ignore one's birthday altogether. I managed to avoid celebrating my birthday with my parents, but there were still cards and even a Facebook message.

    This year my girlfriend was kind enough to skip my birthday. (Sadly, she made it clear that it wasn't out of consideration for my feelings. It was because she just didn't give a shit.)

    Anyway, it just doesn't seem like there's much to celebrate...just another year of pain and misery. To my mind, it's not much of a victory to survive another year in a post-industrial country. (Although at the rate things are going....)

    At any rate, you are definitely allowed to complain. Let it out.

  2. I don't hate birthdays. I just hate how this one seems to be reminding me that I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone. Not just in the relationship-sense but the in the sense that I don't have anything I thought I would have at this point. It's like I go down a checklist of how things were a year ago and I come up short in a lot of categories. It's a good thing I love my job.

    But I had some positive news in regards to birthdays this weekend. I'm loving my friends. And maybe not all hope is lost.

    Enough pouting. Focus on good. Good energy, good thoughts, good outcomes.

  3. I'm going to be 32 on Friday and, oh god, I am right there with you. Single, broke, dealing with busted up family shit (father is crazy and stealing money left and right), watching all of my friends settle down and get married and buy houses and have babies and I can't even find someone to go on three consecutive dates with.

    So, I feel your pain. But I will admit, there's a lot about my twenties that I'm more than happy to leave behind.