Note: A Little like that Lyrics

There is a Matt Nathanson lryic that resonates with me deep inside my heart. Just the first few chords of this song makes me want to cry because I perpetually feel like I'm the one that got away. Not just for one man, but for a few. The girl they look back on and realize that Damn. They had it good with me. And I'm proud of this. Because in some strange way it reminds me that I was important in their life but I was just a too bit too much, or they were just a smidge not enough, and that's how our stories are written.


I can't change the past and I don't think I'd want to be their girl at this particular time in the future anyway.


But I do want to be: 

"You sounded so good on the phone

all moved up and all moved on."

And so I strive everyday to be the girl who sounds so good on the phone. No reason why that girl can't be me. 

List #97: Embarassments

I can talk a good game. I really do think that a lot of my posts on here have been positive and upbeat.  I'm not telling you in the ins and outs of my single life in a way that's damaging to others nor to my own reputation.  Which I know makes me sound like a "bad" girl and I can assure you I'm not.  But for today, at this moment on a morning in which I decided to wear flats and and am now feeling frumpy not sexy, I'm admitting  that I am still not put together.

I read this quote this morning, by author Chrstine Arylo:

The reality was that, although I accepted the wake-up call, I was still a broken bird with twisted wings and a sad, sad heart.

And that's exactly how I feel.  I'm the female version of Ted Mosby who proclaimed that he believes "a little less, and a little less, and a little less" each day. I very much want to experience the butterflies of love over again, but I don't want to be a desperate woman.  And like Ted and Christine I want to believe that my journey will find me with a partner, but this isn't a CBS sitcom nor is it a self-help book written with hindsight.

And I'm still doing embarassing things every day:

• I read books with titles such as Choosing Me Before We: Every Women's Guide to Life and Love. And then get mad when even these seem to cheery and lucky.
• I STILL let favorite pieces of jewelry sit at the bottom of the box because I can't be trusted to look at a reminder on my wrist every day.
• I haven't claimed a dresser that is rightfully mine (let alone a couch) because the money and the hassle isn't worth the afternoon of anguish or annoyance.
• I am a little jealous of those friends and family who have husbands and boyfriends to plan extravagent dinners, gifts and parties for 30th birthday. (Though, more grateful to have wonderful friends who taking me away in October).
• And I still think about him once a day. Not with tears, or an overwhelming sense of sadness, but with the understanding that I lost a person in my life forever. It's a little like death; a sadness that you can't talk about the mundane anymore, a bit of relief that suffering is over and a whole bunch of memories that you don't know what to do with anymore.

So readers, share some embarassing things this morning.  What do you hate admitting to yourself? We're all in this together.

List #96: Songs of the Decade (part 2)

Age: 21

Year: 2002

Location: Allegheny College, Junior/Senior Year, The Barn, Assorted bars in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh

My twenty-first birthday fell on a night of a major autumn event at my college.  AND a new bar opened in our very tiny town. AND I was about one of the last 6 people in my senior class to turn 21.  When I say everyone was out at the bar that night, I mean everyone. Plus, since I went to a super small school everyone knew each other (for better or for worse) where it was really cheap to drink, so my birthday drinks were plenitful.  There was video footage of this night but thankfully YouTube wasn't around back then and I was saved *most* of the embarassment. So what was I jamming out to when I was Vice-President of my sorority and living in the best house on campus?

Hot in Herre, Nelly
To. This. Day. I want to have a dance party when I hear it. It is a song that epitomizes college, sorority formals and summer clubs in Pittsburgh.  Is this an appropriate song for weddings? If not, I still want it played at mine. So take note future husband, we're gonna get so hot that we're gonna want to take our clothes off.

Girlfriend, Nsync featuring Nelly
Apparently Nelly was a big player in my version of 2002.  But honestly, *Nysnc was an even bigger player.  This girl has gone to 2 *Nysnc concerts and crushed on JC Chasez long before Justin Timberlake was the man he is today. (You can argue that JT was always the hot one. But I'll refer you to the denim suit he wore with Britney and then show you an SNL skit of him today. I'll win). And in 2002, I still just wanted to be your girlfriend.

Return of the Mac, Mark Morrison
I have no idea what this is talking about. I have even less of an idea of why it was a hit. And it certainly wasn't released in 2002. But a sorority sister and I would request it at every formal event and the DJ always played it. It's a terrible song, but when you're tipsy on whiskey sours and in formal attire, it makes perfect sense. For the record, I refused to even listen to this song before I added it to the list.

Any other 2002 shout-outs? Leave them in the comments. And tell us, what you were listening to when you turned 21.

Letter #19: My Type of Camping

Dear PodCamp Pittsburgh,

All day I've been debating on the merits of writing a letter versus a list about you.  But really, I have nothing but gratitude for you and giving me one of the best Pittsburgh weekends of 2011. So a thank you letter is only appropriate.

You see, I get nervous in new situations.  Sure I work with the public every day and hell, I even moved to another continent without a real plan but I don't actually always feel confident when it comes to new things in my own hometown.  There were going to be so many people I admire; some of the best bloggers around. Seriously, what does a girl like me think she is even going to talk about?

But then I went to Friday's Meet 'n Greet and just fell in love. It's kind of hard not to when upon arrival someone calls out your Twitter handle and says that he was super excited to meet you.  And meet I did. In fact, Friday's event was pretty much a cute-fest of Pittsburgh's most creative. Presentations by my favorite Pittsburgh blogger. New works to discover. And connections put together.

I walked away from PodCamp Pittsburgh feeling as if I wasn't crazy for wanting to get my thoughts out in the open. I realized my Why was because writing has always been a part of me. I don't keep a blog because I want to shock. It's not about making money. It's just about me.

I write because it helps heal my thoughts and it makes me laugh, a lot. Once, soon after I graduated from college, a few people told me that I should give up my desire to write. That maybe an MFA program wasn't for me, that perhaps I should just stick to reading books.  And despite that be being extremely rude and despite the fact that many, amazing and best-selling authors don't have MFAs (and gasp! some aren't even James Patterson) I believed it for a very long time.  I barely wrote, had a hard time filling journals and felt that no one should ever read what I put on paper again.

Even though the events that founded this blog were sad ones, and even in the middle of change and upheaval, I'm at one of my happiest periods of my life right now. Writing has become a part of me again. And I'll be bold and say that I'm willing to bet that more people read my blog than read their critical analysis, essays and books on a daily basis. So arguably I win after all.

I would have never gone to PodCamp (even if I wasn't working) two years ago.  I was too afraid to take risks and put myself out there. Just like I was too afraid to write two, three, five years ago. But times change, social media has given us a voice and I'm proud of what I put out there.

So, PodCamp Pittsburgh, thanks for the knowledge, entertainment and drinks. Thank you to all of the coordinators, volunteers and sponsors for putting together such a unique weekend in our city. Thanks for introducing me to too many people to write in one post. Thanks for expanding my horizons and giving inspiration in addition to validation. Thank you for having Zombies that don't actually chase people (seriously, I walked by them at lunch scared out of my wits and worried they'd follow me around). I'll be wearing my T-shirt and giving you lots of free press from here until next year.

And really, next year, you might just need a librarian to give a presentation. We're kind of awesome with searching and the Internet and more. You never know...

With love,

Shannon

List #95: Songs of the Decade (part 1)

Whittling down your last few days as a 20-something makes you think. But I'm determined to embrace this milestone age with a positive and grateful attitude. So, inspired by Pandora, I'm compiling a list of the top songs that remind me of years 20-29.  They'll be posted sometime between now and 9/28.

First up?

Age: 20

Year: 2001

Location: Allegheny College, Junior Year, The Barn, Pittsburgh, Greece

Hero, Enrique Iglesias 

September 2001, ten years ago we can all remember what happened. And this song, with a few others, played on a continuous loop on MTV. For a few weeks at the beginning of my junior year I couldn't sleep without the television on. And quite honestly, I think most of America felt the same way.

Jumpin', Jumpin', Destiny's Child

Pretty sure this song didn't come out when I was 20. But I was on dance team in college and we did do a dance to this junior year. We performed at basketball games. And there was one student, notorious on campus, who would come to the basketball games. Then waited until our performance was about to start, and  open the Wall Street Journal to read during halftime. Girls, dancing, in skimpy clothing < Wall Street Journal for one basketball fan.

3 x 5, John Mayer

I fell in love with John Mayer my sophomore year of college and he became the musical force behind my Napster downloads and Winamp playlist from that point forward. I first went to Greece just after my junior year ended, just 20 years old, and I played this song oh, so much. On a portable CD player with very large headphones. Of course this was before he became the manwhore he is today and I thought him of most dreamy boyfriend material.

I have no idea when this blog became so much about music. But since this blog is public, and so many people I know do read it, I can't always say everything I might. For fear of being judged or whatever it is people do when friends write blogs. But I also know that what better way to leave a decade behind than to celebrate the best of it and move on. So dear, readers? What was a song that cemented itself to your year 20?

List #94: Giving it Time

If you've been reading from the beginning you'll remember that this blog started all because I came home from my first day of work in 2011 to be told that the person I loved just "couldn't do it anymore." And then it was a really hard winter, a really sad spring and a summer that showed some promise. And now it's autumn and I'm fulfilling a promise to myself.

Back around March, maybe, I was having a heart-to-heart with a friend, who at times took my break-up a little harder than me. She desperately thought by the time St. Patrick's Day rolled around the ex and I would be back together. Then, she thought for certain by the time the rain stopped in April. She was angry and in disbelief and felt cheated. And well, of course I agreed. But I knew even if he missed me, he was too proud to admit a mistake. I knew that decision was a sticking one.  And I told her that come autumn, I would have him packed away as best as I could to move on. I would have gone through denial, depression, repair and rebirth.

So it's September and 20 days before my 30th birthday. It's a time of year that I fall deeply in love with every calendar season. And have I done it? Well, I've done it the best that I can without finding someone new who has taken the place. 

I have:

• Listened to the entirety of Graceland. Reclaimed it as the album I loved before road trips to small Ohio towns, Kentucky and everywhere in between.
• Been on dates.  And even the worst wasn't that bad.
• Deleted pictures on Facebook and locked them in a vault deep inside my hard drive. Even my favorite. Many thanks to Mark Zuckerberg for making this task a bit easier.
• Survived surgery and pain meds without any embarrassing phone calls. Thank goodness for friends.
• May (or may not) have even had sex. Have to keep the world guessing.
• Traveled to the other coast and enjoyed a vacation all to myself. With two of my nearest and dearest friends, paying only for one. And damn, did it feel good.
• Watched a How I Met Your Mother Marathon. Realized it's okay to be more like Ted than I'd care to admit, but have a streak of Robin but want a relationship like Lily and Marshall.
• Been appreciated for my skills as a professional and as a woman. It never gets old meeting someone who wants to acknowledge your potential.

And is that it? Of course not. There is more to this list. Just like there is more to really moving on. And the jade in this girl probably won't go away until I really do meet the guy who wants to stick around for a bit. But I'll take the tiny hole over the gaping crevasse any day. I welcome autumn and new memories. 

I win.

So readers, what are making room for this autumn? Are you like me and welcome this season with open arms and hope? What have you done lately?

Note: Labor Day

This is not a cry to be political and poke people into discussing unions in America. It's just a reminder that today is Labor Day. And that we all work hard. It's a reminder that despite the varied beliefs about unions in the modern day USA, life would be a lot of worse for all of us it wasn't for those brave people who formed unions years ago.