List #97: Embarassments

I can talk a good game. I really do think that a lot of my posts on here have been positive and upbeat.  I'm not telling you in the ins and outs of my single life in a way that's damaging to others nor to my own reputation.  Which I know makes me sound like a "bad" girl and I can assure you I'm not.  But for today, at this moment on a morning in which I decided to wear flats and and am now feeling frumpy not sexy, I'm admitting  that I am still not put together.

I read this quote this morning, by author Chrstine Arylo:
The reality was that, although I accepted the wake-up call, I was still a broken bird with twisted wings and a sad, sad heart.

And that's exactly how I feel.  I'm the female version of Ted Mosby who proclaimed that he believes "a little less, and a little less, and a little less" each day. I very much want to experience the butterflies of love over again, but I don't want to be a desperate woman.  And like Ted and Christine I want to believe that my journey will find me with a partner, but this isn't a CBS sitcom nor is it a self-help book written with hindsight.

And I'm still doing embarassing things every day:
  • I read books with titles such as Choosing Me Before We: Every Women's Guide to Life and Love. And then get mad when even these seem to cheery and lucky.
  • I STILL let favorite pieces of jewelry sit at the bottom of the box because I can't be trusted to look at a reminder on my wrist every day.
  • I haven't claimed a dresser that is rightfully mine (let alone a couch) because the money and the hassle isn't worth the afternoon of anguish or annoyance.
  • I am a little jealous of those friends and family who have husbands and boyfriends to plan extravagent dinners, gifts and parties for 30th birthday. (Though, more grateful to have wonderful friends who taking me away in October).
  • And I still think about him once a day. Not with tears, or an overwhelming sense of sadness, but with the understanding that I lost a person in my life forever. It's a little like death; a sadness that you can't talk about the mundane anymore, a bit of relief that suffering is over and a whole bunch of memories that you don't know what to do with anymore.
So readers, share some embarassing things this morning.  What do you hate admitting to yourself? We're all in this together.


  1. Good post..Some of my embarassing thoughts and actions:
    Worrying about my weight even if i know i shouldn't cause I'm normal.(I used to share it everytime with my boyfriend but now I understand that is annoying for men cause they are with you for what you are.So now I just keep it to myself :P) But being mocked about it as a child I still have this inferiority complex and it's hard not to think about it.Even if i'm not that person anymore.
    Quite a lot time ago,I decided to stop gossiping(I was never a gossip fan but I gossiped when the conversation didn't have anything else to offer)Yet I still find myself needy for some social comment(sic) especially at cases of people who just provoke me to gossip them(hahaha-->at least I keep it to myself now and don't say it out loud)
    In the same spirit I had also decided to ALWAYS say what I think even if it hurts.But then again it's not easy and also a bit selfish(who is capable of judging others).So yes,I have some thoughts that I don't reveal about the actions of others...
    but don't worry Shann, cause noone is perfect ;)

  2. Fulfilling my usual role as Donald Downer...having a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner/whatever is no guarantee of receiving extravagant gifts/parties/meals/etc.

    That said - I assume you have plans for your birthday, regardless of being single, yes?

  3. My friend Christina turned 30 a few weeks ago and is single, and her family threw her an amazing surprise party that over 60 people came to. I planned my own 30th birthday dinner at the Capital Grille and told my husband and my parents and sister when to show up LOL.