List #186: Reasons Why My Heart Has Been Hurting Lately

I feel a little guilty complaining about being in a funk this time of year. I've seen Januaries far bleaker than 2013's. Ones that brought a father so sick he almost didn't make it, nights that left me shattered, grandfathers passing. Stuff that actual sadness and worry is made up of. And when I really weigh the world around me, it's really does come in as being pleasant.

But I'm admitting it, I'm in a funk. I can't get out of it right now. I feel lonely and dejected and stuck. I feel well, a little bit broken. It's a bunch of little things all piling up at the moment.

  • Feeling under-appreciated. In life, in a professional sense, in ways that I can't even really articulate. It's just there.
  • A constant stream of Taylor Swift singing in my head. Just a few seconds of Top 40 radio can make this happen instantly.
  • Dates that are duds. Polite, nice, smart, together. Just duds.
  • Significant increases in my student loan payments. So much money.
  • Continued frustration in another area of finances that never seems to go away.
  • Small bouts of insomnia. This happens from time to time, and when it does, it's never pretty.
  • Men who think it's totally appropriate to send out-of-the-blue emails and/or messages, without thinking of the consequences. Just think before you hit send, okay?
  • Those who can't respond to follow-up emails and/or messages. Because you can't just put something out there and not expect a nice person to respond.
  • The constant struggle of warm versus cold. Being hot or freezing at both home and at work isn't helping my wardrobe decisions nor my own comfort.
  • General disappoint in people. From Lance Armstrong to the people who can't push in their chairs after leaving a table.
  • Making my own tea. I think the reason I go to Starbucks so much is that someone else can make it for me. Also, it is right across the street from the library.
  • General discussion of baby/child overshare. I wish there was a parent-only Facebook. If it meant having a non-parent Facebook too, fine. I'll segregate if we can all agree to only post general/non-crazy stuff in the common threads. 
  • Laundry. Generally having to do it just makes me testy. 
  • How hard it is to let go of the daily little things that can make a day hard. I'm trying, really trying, to let the small stuff go. But right now? I'm really really struggling.
  • Hugging. I wanted to do more of it in 2013 and I just don't think I'm living up to my goal so far.
I want things I can't have, I'm upset about feeling like I don't have a voice, I'm worried that I'm stuck and this might be all there is. Not that anything is terrible, but I'm not exactly feeling excited and energized. 

I am sure that I'll break through this. I'm trying every day. I'm taking yoga regularly and yes, as a matter of fact, I do feel better after the hour kicks my ass. I'm taking deep breathes, I'm trying to stay positive and concentrate on the good. I'm doing all the things I should be doing.

I hope it gets easier soon. 

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