List # 76: I'm Saying I'm Sorry

Guilt is coming over me tonight because I am a good and because I am a girl. It's a mix of emotion, love and fright that I just can't shake. And though I started another, much longer, post tonight about my struggles between saying no and guilt this one just came about instead.

I'm not even saying I should be sorry for this little list. I just know all of the points are boiling and I'd like to sleep tonight.

So, for these following things I'm sorry:
  • I'm sorry that I yelled at my Dad tonight. His request was a simple one but the stress of being the oldest girl, being the good girl and finding my own time was too much for my emotional state tonight. I love him so much but sometimes the stress and inconvenience of having a helpless, sick parent can be too much.
  • I'm sorry that I had to tell a parent no at the library. I don't like telling people programs are full, even if all the policy and registration numbers tell me I shouldn't.
  • I'm sorry that I didn't sit in the living room and really talk to my parents this week. They are fun and caring and I shouldn't always be quick to be alone. I know I will miss them one day.
  • I'm sorry that I bought that yellow purse the other day. I wanted a yellow purse, and it was at a consignment shop, but the strap is more broken than I realize. And I see other purses that I like better.
  • I'm sorry that I don't read many books that are recommended to me. It's nothing personal. It's just that my tastes are eclectic and particular at the same time. And my list is always growing and growing. I promise you I'll try to get to it soon.
  • I'm sorry that I don't write letters like I used to anymore. I don't know when I got out of the habit (perhaps when I finally quit Hallmark?) but I miss writing to my friends even more than I miss the cards that used to come for me.
  • I'm sorry that one day I'll be compelled to write personal stories about us to share with the world. I can feel it growing inside me and our struggles are just going to have to be written. Perhaps they'll be disguised as characters in a book, but I just know it might happen.
  • I'm a little sorry that I already share my life with others on here. But not entirely because this writing project has given me so much voice and strength this year that I cannot imagine how life would be without it.
  • I'm sorry that I don't always respond to every comment. It's my intention and I love that many of you leave really touching things here, but the day gets away from me and sometimes, I'm just at a loss of words.
  • I'm sorry that I like bad 90s music just as much as I like listening to public radio. This isn't going to change, but I apologize to all those men and friends who have to listen to me sing Third-Eye Blind and Jewel in the early morning/late night hours.
  • I'm sorry that I ate the last sugar cookie.
  • I'm sorry that I really want to see The Book of Mormon but don't really care to watch South Park.
  • I'm sorry that my love can't fix you. Just as much as I'm sorry that my love can't fix all of the troubles in the world than can have me up late into the night crying and laughing and feeling completely helpful and helpless at the same time.
So, lovely readers, what are you sorry for? Have you ever begged for forgiveness? Or had someone come begging to you?


  1. - I am sorry that I am not the daughter my father wants me to be, that I simply cannot just find a man, move next door, and have children. It breaks my heart to disappoint him, but would break my heart more to give in to the life that he wants for me.

    -I am sorry that I am sometimes short with my mother. She has always been there for me and does everything she can to support me. I am sorry that I do not have as much time for her as I wish I did, and that sometimes I am just too tired after a long day to sit and share about my life. I am sorry that she wants so much for me but I give her back so little.

    - I am sorry that I make plans with friends but then have to cancel them because I am just too tired or just want to have a quiet night in.

    -I am sorry that I become annoyed with some of my family members quickly. They love me, I love them, and I should be most kind to those who love me most.

    - I am sorry that I am not as religious as I once was. I am sorry that I cannot make myself go to church some Sundays.

    -I am sorry that when I do something wrong I continually say I am sorry to the injured parties. I have perfection issues.

    -I am sorry that I can never possibly read every book that I want to or that everyone suggests. I need to live a second life, one in which I only read. I hope that is what goes on in Heaven.

  2. -I am sorry I never think to get anyone a birthday gift or card. I am not a gift person, but a simple card would be a nice gesture.

    -I am sorry I got irritated with my mother in California last month. I already told her I'm sorry, but I should have talked to her before blowing up. I'm better than that.

    -I am sorry I think too much. I would get more sleep if I thought less.

    -I am sorry the relationship with my ex-boyfriend didn't work out. We don't belong together, but I'm sorry this is the case and for how much he pushed me away.

    -I am sorry for the people who never reach inner peace.

    -I am sorry for the homeless, the abused and the suffering and for the animals who have to suffer so people can eat them.

    -I am sorry I bought my friend a new vodka tonic after I accidentally spilled his drink last month. He didn't remember me spilling his drink anyway and makes double as much money as me. I'm trying to save for grad school.

    -I am sorry I do not have any chocolate left in my apartment. I could really use some chocolate right now.

  3. I am sorry I didn't respond to these comments sooner. Your words really stuck me and I'm so glad you shared.

    Funny how we can be sorry for so many things on just any given days of our lives, isn't it? And most of the time I just end up feeling sorry that I'm sorry.