List # 77: When I Wish Remote Controls Were Real

I have this blog post in my mind that I want to write about gifts and bikes and riding on. But quite frankly, it's just going to have to wait.

Instead, I just want to ask for all the prayers and love and good thoughts you can spare to be sent this way. My Dad is going in for surgery again tomorrow. Hopefully to replace his hip, but really they won't know if that will be possible until they get in there tomorrow. My father's journey has been a long one and it's certainly not all documented here on the blog, but he has been awaiting a hip replacement since January (and the story goes on longer than that). Right now he can't work, he isn't making money and I have been helping my family out. A lot.

And so tonight when I came home from work I boiled over with emotion. After spending time with my extended family this weekend I was reminded how different and sad life is without my cousin. I've been asking her to send me a sign that she's around and I've been hoping to see her in my dreams every night. But clearly, I'm missing what I know she is trying to tell me. Because I haven't seen any hummingbirds and my dreams are ordinary. She's out there though and I just have to try and keep my heart and mind open.

I am worried about my Father's health, my Mother's daily strength and the ability to keep my family afloat in such rough waters. I'm worried that one day I'm going to crack and lose my own strength just as much as I worry that I'm never going to be able to break away from this chain of crappy events and start anew. Sometimes it feels like an understatement when I say this year has been rough.

So for tonight, I'd just like remote controls to be real. I'd like to be able to skip channels, fast forward the bad parts and go back to experience the good again.

I'd like the fast forward button to take me to the part of my life where I feel like I've got more good than stress. Take me to the part where I have my own place and throw in a romantic interest. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. And maybe I'll be pursuing a doctorate. Hell, throw in a lost 10 lbs too.

I'd like the pause button to stay focused on the clear images in my life right now that show I am loved and cared for. I want it to rest for more than a few moments on my parents laughing and smiling. I want a bike ride that lasts all day in sunny weather.

I'd like the rewind button to take me to a summer day where I was swimming in the pool with my cousin. I want popsicles at night and sharing a bed before life got too complicated. I want to go back to the point where I had someone's shoulder to cry on at 2 am and felt like that person could talk me down from an emotional ledge.

So can someone get on that invention? You'd mean the world to me.

And what about you, dear readers, what would you do with a live remote control? Have you ever felt that almost everything in life was completely out of your control? How do you push through?


  1. I can't tell you how many times I've wish for a remote control over the past few years. That feeling doesn't really ever go away after you've lost someone. At least, it hasn't for me. When Mama died in 2004, I remember feeling like she was gone forever. I couldn't feel her the same way I felt my father. It was like she had been erased. As I started to live my life again, I started noticing things I hadn't noticed before. Like the fact that I have her expressions. Sometimes, her face would come up and greet me in the mirror. Other times, I'd find myself holding her face in my dreams.

    I don't dream about Mama much anymore. Some days, it really bothers me. Sometimes, I wonder if my not crying ever single day means I don't love her enough. But it means that, perhaps, I don't need to cry to remember her.

    Today was an inexplicably difficult day for me. I've had many this year, but there was no boogeyman to blame. Just me and this thud I had--this need I had to talk to her.

    I don't know what to tell you because I'm not you. I'm not going to say it gets better because it doesn't. All I can say is that one day, you'll stop looking for her so much because you'll realize she's inside you--in the things you love and the reasons you keep going. You will pull her out of yourself on days when you can't fathom going on. And you might fall down, and if you do--it's terribly okay because you need to. You don't have to be strong, and maybe, it's better if you aren't. It's appropriate to fall apart, and maybe, sometimes, it's what you need--what they need.

    I hope it all works out okay, and I hope your burden feels a bit lighter tomorrow.

    Take care,

  2. I have to disagree with Alma - it DOES get better. It gets easier, clearer, more palatable, and it changes. There's a ton of 'better' in your future. It's some hard stuff right now, fo' sho'. But it actually will get better. And, I sent you a hummingbird link today so there. : )

  3. It will definitely get better because you have so many awesome people praying for you and hoping for the best. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer, and I know that you are as well. As I have said before, we are only given what we can handle. And you are handling all of this stress quite well, I must say.

    As for a remote control, I would like a rewind button to be able to go back to a time when I didn't have to care about money so much, when the biggest thing on my mind was the next Sailor Moon episode coming out.

    I'd like to have a fast forward button so I could see where I end up in my career. I feel like I am in limbo right now, straddling two lifestyles, and it makes me so tired sometimes.

    And, I'd love a menu button so that I could see all aspects of my life and assess them accordingly, so that I am not missing anything. I know this is anal, but that's just who I am and I will always remember to own up to it! :)

    I hope we get that apartment together, Shan. Dinner parties galore!!

  4. Alma, Kelley & Lindsey,

    Thank you so much for your words this week. I know that things get better, and they do feel that way overtime. But sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by the people who I have lost this year. Can happen at the drop of a hat. But then I get wonderful comments like yours, talk to dear friends, or read something that makes me fully feel loved all over.

    Thank you.

  5. Yes! My last three and a half years were out of control! I lost 50% of my immediate family, Grandma, Dad and now Grandpa last week. So, so, so hard. How do I handle it? Honestly only with God and clinging to the family I have left. It also helps to talk with people who have been there. I hope the rough waters of your life calm soon.

  6. Laura,

    Thank you so much for the sweet wishes. I hope that you find peace and calm in your life too. <3 to you and your family.