Instead, I just want to ask for all the prayers and love and good thoughts you can spare to be sent this way. My Dad is going in for surgery again tomorrow. Hopefully to replace his hip, but really they won't know if that will be possible until they get in there tomorrow. My father's journey has been a long one and it's certainly not all documented here on the blog, but he has been awaiting a hip replacement since January (and the story goes on longer than that). Right now he can't work, he isn't making money and I have been helping my family out. A lot.
And so tonight when I came home from work I boiled over with emotion. After spending time with my extended family this weekend I was reminded how different and sad life is without my cousin. I've been asking her to send me a sign that she's around and I've been hoping to see her in my dreams every night. But clearly, I'm missing what I know she is trying to tell me. Because I haven't seen any hummingbirds and my dreams are ordinary. She's out there though and I just have to try and keep my heart and mind open.
I am worried about my Father's health, my Mother's daily strength and the ability to keep my family afloat in such rough waters. I'm worried that one day I'm going to crack and lose my own strength just as much as I worry that I'm never going to be able to break away from this chain of crappy events and start anew. Sometimes it feels like an understatement when I say this year has been rough.
So for tonight, I'd just like remote controls to be real. I'd like to be able to skip channels, fast forward the bad parts and go back to experience the good again.
I'd like the fast forward button to take me to the part of my life where I feel like I've got more good than stress. Take me to the part where I have my own place and throw in a romantic interest. I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy. And maybe I'll be pursuing a doctorate. Hell, throw in a lost 10 lbs too.
I'd like the pause button to stay focused on the clear images in my life right now that show I am loved and cared for. I want it to rest for more than a few moments on my parents laughing and smiling. I want a bike ride that lasts all day in sunny weather.
I'd like the rewind button to take me to a summer day where I was swimming in the pool with my cousin. I want popsicles at night and sharing a bed before life got too complicated. I want to go back to the point where I had someone's shoulder to cry on at 2 am and felt like that person could talk me down from an emotional ledge.
So can someone get on that invention? You'd mean the world to me.
And what about you, dear readers, what would you do with a live remote control? Have you ever felt that almost everything in life was completely out of your control? How do you push through?