Why, oh why, were you the one who let me drop my marbles? All over again, scattered on the floor with no one but my lonely self to pick them up. Was it because I took a sick day, already hating my mind for a tension headache that wouldn't let up? Or was it because the fates just aren't handing me some good cards in 2011?
I have been riding a high for the last two weeks and I really wanted to convince myself that this high would last right on into the next big thing. But a friend reminded me tonight that it can't stay up forever and that sure, it can't stay down forever too. And truthfully, I felt the high coming down slowly this past Saturday afternoon. It was just a matter of time before I had a crash & burn. And really, when I think about it, maybe I'm lucky that you're the star, Today. Because I was already home and feeling like crap.
See, the thing is: Sometimes I feel like a total failure. I know, I know. It's irrational and I have a lot going for me. Blah Blah Blah. I get it, I really do. But this year has been a series of setbacks that I was not prepared for. I was not suppose to be this girl in 2011, I had a whole different set of plans. And though I've come to accept that I cannot plans for things I cannot control, I just really do want to catch a break.
I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a step behind everyone else. I'm very tired of feeling like I give my all to so many people & things, only to get burned or yelled at or forgotten in the end. And I had a breakdown tonight. I felt utterly helpless and alone and wanted to reach out to the one person I have been kicking my ass over. I am tired. I am of feeling like everyone else has it together but me. And maybe that's not true. But I certainly feel like every day is an uphill battle.
Perhaps you're reading this and thinking I'm being a bit melodramatic or self-pitying. And though I might say the same when I re-read this post as well. I can tell you that I don't feel that way at the moment. Because I have a sick father, a stressed out mother, financial worries, a long-lost love, a worry for the future and the general dread that I just cannot get ahead. It's too much for my head tonight.
So today, I'll tell you what: you can go down on the record books as a royally crappy one as long as you promise to give me better tomorrows. I'll try to stay focused on the positive and I'll try my hardest to not let lose some waterfall tears. But if you could move over and make a lot of room for some good karma and things to come my way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm working hard here and I don't know how many more set-backs I can take before I spend the rest of my nights & weekends eating bowls of nachos by myself for the whole of my 30s. I'll let you have your moment, today, if you can find the way to bring health & happiness back to the people I love. And to let me be the woman I am trying every day to be, so hard.