It's easy for me to get down on myself and feel lonely right now. It's a battle I fight nearly every day. And it's also easy for me to think about all the negative things that have come out of my past relationship. How much hurt I feel, how angry I can get, how sad it is not have that goodness in my life anymore. It is easy to be overcome with the negative thoughts of being lied to about love, to sit around and think of the more recent moments that seemed blurred anymore. But today, I didn't want to do that.
I really wanted to think about the truly good and exciting times, the spark, the love that I believe really existed. And then, this train of thought brought me back to first kisses.
So for tonight's list, I have thought long & hard about 3 very wonderful first kisses. Not all of the firsts and not the last firsts. But just ones that really stand out in my memory and ones I don't mind sharing. So, in no particular order of importance or memory just simply chronologically, 3 very important kisses in my life:
1. The College Boyfriend. Well, to be honest he really wasn't my college boyfriend, just a very close friend. Any type of relationship stuff happened after I graduated and ended before I moved to another country. But this kiss was definitely college. I'll never forget standing in the doorway of my college house, over a Valentine's Day weekend when all of my roommates were gone, and a more than a little tipsy. And the kiss of a friend whose lines suddenly blurred. How my roommates had been asking for weeks, each time we came home from the bars, if we had locked lips yet (seriously, I think that was their exact wording) and how that weekend, I got to say yes. I didn't know it then, but this kiss would be the start of a journey. I would learn how to respect myself and learn that some people just aren't meant to be in my life in big ways. I would learn that I have more to give than others suspect and that I'm smarter than some give me credit for. I would grow guts because of this first kiss and for that, I am thankful.
2. The Ivy Leaguer. The summer before my last year of teaching, I was down in the dumps. I was dreading the start of another school year, with a bully boss in a place I didn't belong. I longed to wrap up the year and move on; no frills, no fuss. But that summer I met a very cute & very smart guy who was home in-between semesters. And our first kiss was actually after a walk on Mt. Washington on a hot July night. A Pittsburgh cliche I had never fulfilled until that moment. Nothing really grew from this first kiss, and even though I would try to trick myself into thinking it would, I knew from the start this was a summer fling. But this one little kiss introduced me to someone who found me sexy because I was smart. It led me to understanding even more fully, that my place in life was changing and that I wasn't crazy for being upset about my employment situation. It helped me understand that much better things were out there, just within my reach. I can't even recall his last name now, but his first kiss was a reminder that life should be fun.
3. The Best Person I Thought I Knew. It was a Wednesday night, in his car, after our official first date but hardly our first time hanging out. We had been paired up as Obama campaigning buddies and/or met at the library through his Father. And the story that you would get for two years + after would depend upon your political leanings. He had such a huge grin on his face as he kissed me. And I spoke the words we would joke about for the entirety of our relationship, "I like your beard. Today." He laughed & had the cutest cheeks and we wouldn't figure out for a few more dates that I didn't think he had actually had a beard when we first met. Never mind that he had it for years. Observation, when I am overwhelmed & especially nervous, is not my strongest suit. And I'm not at the point in my life where I can look back and tell you what this first gave me. My journey with this person may be over, but my emotions are still churning and the deliverance of peace with our actions has not yet arrived. Soon, I hope but not yet. I do know that is first kiss lead to me discovering confidence. It helped me find my inner cheerleader & go after what I want in life. This first kiss led me to opening my life up to someone in ways I didn't know how & led to a love I will never forget. I may like to think I'd skip over this first kiss if given the chance, but I'm not quite sure I would tell that girl sitting in the car not to do it. And for what I do know he gave me, I'm happy he was there.
Sure, there are more kisses than just these. And each of these kisses leads to dozens of other stories about men & women, relationships & break-ups. But I like thinking of them as a first-kiss memory. You can't take away the sweet part of a first-kiss. In fact, I know that I could to a top 5 kiss list. There are 2 more really great first kisses in my past. A total of 5 that shine above all the rest, all for different reasons. I wonder if any of those first kisses I was a part of are ever thought about from the other end. I like to think, yes. If not be all, if not by the same listed here, at least by a few others. No one wants to be a forgotten memory.
So, my dears? What is your most memorable first kiss? I'm curious as to your thoughts.