List #214: Patience and Gratitude

I got some news today that was disappointing. I'm not at liberty to discuss the particulars, but I can tell you that it made me sad. And though you might not know what exactly made me sad, I'm sure you can relate to what happens after you share the news with those who love you.

A lot of platitudes.

Things happen for a reason.
It wasn't meant to be.
Their loss, not yours. 
Something better will come along. 
Be grateful for what you do have. 
Be patient.

But here's the thing. I'm not sure everything does happen for a reason. Logic just doesn't seem to side with this one. And I don't know if I think that every loss is really a gain. And though I would agree that if someone doesn't want me, it is their loss, not mine. It still doesn't mean the rejection doesn't sting.

I'm grateful. Truly grateful for the life I do lead. I recognize that I'm one of they lucky few that has a career that I enjoy. I have my health. I have a roof over my head. I have fantastic friends. I have a supportive family. I even have a friend with season tickets to Penguins games. I'm not foolish enough to dismiss the bounty in my life. I recognize it. I value it. I'm grateful.

And I'm patient. Oh, I'm truly patient. It's a struggle, but I'm still patient. I rarely yell. I don't begrudge others their happiness. I thank the universe for giving me the gifts I have and I try not to ask for too much in return. I wish for each day to be a little brighter than the last. And I can even wait quietly in line and not complain before it's my turn.

Because I have been told since I was a little girl that good things happen to good people. If I work hard enough, I'll be recognized. If I am loyal and kind, people will return with the same. If I love myself enough, someone will love me. If I am smart, my brain will take my places. If I stop looking for love, it will find me. If I put good out in the world, karma will reward me in kind.

But I'm not so sure. Those snippets might just be more platitudes.

I ask myself how much longer do I have to be patient? What, exactly, am I being patient for? Because what if (and this is my deepest fear) this is it. This is as good and as full as my life is going to get. No more improvements, no more promotions, no more love, no more romance. Not everyone can get everything they want, right? What if I'm the person who doesn't get the chances she so very much wants.

I told a coworker today that I want something exciting to happen this summer. I want to be thrilled and I want to thrill. I want to shout about my good news. And I want to toast to good fortune.

But maybe what I'm really hoping for is a sign. A sign that all of this patience I keep getting asked to store up is going to be worth more than the ability to remain calm when Starbucks is busy. 

The news I received today isn't heartbreaking. It isn't devastating. And it's not really even life changing. It was just disappointing. I'll nurse my would for a few days and then life will continue as normal. I'll be okay.

I guess what I'm saying is though, I'm ready for my life to be a little bit more than normal. And I'm certainly ready to be a whole lot more than okay.

I'm ready for my hard work and patience to pay off. I'd even accept an installment plan.

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