But that's not all of the parts of my life right now. Most of my nights have been wracked with stranger-than-normal dreams and bouts of insomnia that hit me unexpectedly. Though thankfully not for long. I've been jolting awake in the morning with anxiety panged thoughts about work. And my future. And the health of loved ones. And on one occasion, with the immediate desire to change what I had planned to wear that day to something more "bohemian." I don't even think I own anything that could be described as "bohemian."
So sometimes, late at night, I wish that I did have someone in my bed. And despite my strong resolve to not think about the person who isn't in the position to prioritize a relationship, or the few men I said no to because of said person, or my realistic sense of calm in not pursuing dating this summer, I can't help but wish my head was lying on someone's shoulder.
I'm smart enough to know that adding a warm body in-between my sheets would not make all of these bad dreams and worries go away. Reality is that it would only add to my concern and just make me feel less stress on the nights that led to fooling around. And like I said, I'm taking a dating hiatus and since I want a real relationship (as evidence by why the last one was forced to crumble) it wouldn't be the wisest behavior to let someone come between the sheets just for some fun.
But just in the past two weeks I have dreamt about:
- The Pittsburgh Pirates making it to the playoffs and not having tickets.
- Work disasters.
- Old friends that I haven't seen or talked to in years.
- More snakes.
Plus, I'm a lucid dreamer. And I know that I'm dreaming most of the time that I'm dreaming. I can change locations of dreams, but they must be "realistic" within the dream. The majority of the dreams I have at night, feel so real that I have, on occasion, not just shouted out but woken up crying or shaking. If I wake up for just a brief bit of time, the current dream will continue. And of course, I remember most of it all in the morning.
So I've ordered a few dream books from the library to try to interpret this tangled mess. I'm making a vow to write more, both here and the fiction that I don't really share here. I'm going to allow myself a good cry soon. And I'm going to keep trying to fall asleep early knowing that I'll be up in the middle of the night, shaken about something realistic or not.
And I am going to keep telling myself that just because there is no one to hear my last thoughts before drifting off and no one beside me to make me smile in the morning, I can sort through it on my own. Just like I did with that bookcase.
So dear readers, what kind of things are you dreaming about? Do you have any insight into my own?