Because I didn't send that email last night, but in fact, ran into him this morning. I saw him, from almost a block away, and honestly thought about walking on the other side of the street. Or freezing and letting him pass without notice. But those thoughts were only for a split second. Because I believe in trying to live without having regrets and at that moment, I knew if I ignored our passing I would regret it more than any conversation.
So it happened. And perhaps it was just a moment in the day. For him, for me, or both of us. Or not. And maybe it lingered in his day, just a bit, like a warm but fleeting feeling that you don't know to how to replicate.
Because when I saw his face, I though to myself "Kiss him." But I didn't of course. And the universe has a way of letting us know that emotions cannot be controlled.
Because I still don't understand why we couldn't have given it a shot. I was always in the corner hoping he'd reach his dreams. And without argument, I was in the corner.
Because he was at my graduation and it hurts to know I don't get to see his. This once is pretty self-explanatory.
Because I am angry about something too personal to discuss here.
Because I just miss sharing lives. And catching up, for even a few minutes, just verifies what I've been trying to convince myself isn't true.
Because I know he means it when he says "I love you." But damn it, it doesn't change or fix a thing in this world.
Because every part of my job is worthy & worthwhile & needed. It's community development.
Because as much as I won't miss the antics of a certain someone, I would always deal with it if it meant having you. Seriously? We all have those family members.
And because at essentially the beginning of my day, I was reminded how much of a part of my heart I gave away. And I was reminded that I still miss every damn part of us. And because no matter how much I love writing this blog, there are still things I can never say here because after all, it is an open forum. And because when I think about his kindness I shake wondering if I'll find anything better than that. And because I still want to yell about throwing it all away and how I'm not the one who ignored all of the time. And because yes, you did leave your best friend and I don't have a best friend anymore. And I miss laughing with you.
And thank goodness for busy afternoons.
So dears, what have you felt when your paths cross someone unexpectedly? I dream of the day I might run into an old boss and have the upper hand. What about you?
I'm crying. You have such a way with words.ReplyDelete
I have two of those moments I am waiting for. One will be a little scary because I don't know what I will do/ how I will react. I do know that my reaction 5 months ago would have been different than it is now because I felt like that person damaged me for good and spent 7 years feeling that way. Now, I realize that he actually made me stronger and I'm able to love more because of his bullshit. But he's still an asshole.
The other, I'm scared because I DO know what I'll do and it won't be pretty. I'm pretty sure you were dealing with your old boss when I was dealing with this old boss. Words can hurt and I have no shortage of them for him.
Well, I'm definitely with Leanne on the first part. I would thank him for treating me like crap because now I know how I want to be treated and what love should truly feel like. But, where months ago I longed to see his face, now I could care less, and I revel in this newfound freedom.ReplyDelete
But I know what you are feeling...<3 you