List #167: Seeking the Romance

Tonight, before bed, I decided to settle in with the latest book I've been reading and some music. I don't really know why I chose Ben Folds tonight. He isn't someone I put on at regular intervals, but a few of his songs have been floating around in my head and he's mostly calm and sweet and well, it's good bedtime music.

And just as I was beginning the second chapter of the night, this song started to play:

And I was struck with a very strong memory of love that seems so long ago, it felt as if I was dusting cobwebs off a box long ago stored away in the attic.

I remember sitting next to the Big Ex on a long car ride and hearing this song. A sweet confession from him of how lucky he felt to finally have met me. I don't actually know if he confessed these thoughts to me with this song playing in the background and I'd be surprised if he heard his song today and thought of me. But I have a vague recollection that in our early days we talked about how this song was so much us. So much of our stumbles and falls until we found each other's laughs.

So I think of a young version of us. Holding hands, fingers laced and squeezing. His confessions of screwing up time and and time again and how I was just the girl who came along at the right time. The "I Love You's" rolling off of his tongue and the nights we spent tangled in each other's limbs.

I remember the nights, before I moved in and long before things turned sour, that I would lay in my bed and go to bed with giddy thoughts of him. How I felt that I had waited for so long to fall in love with a man like that. One who loved me completely. One who stood up for me and pushed me. I remember going shopping and always keeping my out for a little something for him. I remember small, stolen kisses in the kitchen. And nights wrapped up together on the couch. I remember not being able to keep our hands off of each other. I remember how much I loved him.

The relationship ended for a wide variety of reasons. Some that are reasonable, some that are not. And that's really not the story of tonight's blog post.

Instead it's about how easy it is to keep the romance sparking at the beginning. But how easy it can be to let it fade when complications get in the way. The was no time for romance with graduate school, sick family, deep depression, and additional family members getting in the way.

And though I am not an overly romantic girl who will expect flowers every week. And though I'm not the type of woman who is going to post Facebook messages about how awesome my significant other is. And though I doubt the man who I will fall in love is going to be these type of things either. I want us to have our own version of romance.

• I want us to have traditions we can keep coming back to when the times do ultimately, get tough. 
• I want us to have a song that reminds us of our early days and challenges us to capture those feelings on unremarkable evenings. 
• I want us to try very hard, every day, not to break each other's heart. 
• I want us very much keep the "I Love You's" rolling off of our tongue. 
• I want to sleep so close to his body that you aren't sure where his begins and mine ends.
• I want inside jokes. 
• I want kisses on my forehead when I sleep and I can pretend that I'm still sleeping but turn over and smile because I know he did it. 
• I want to run my fingers along his head every night, while reading books, until we are both ready to turn off the lights.
• I want to eat breakfast in the morning together, at least every once in a while. 

Because if there is one thing I've learned? Is that sure, something doesn't have to last forever in order to have value and worth.

But now? I'm ready for the forever.

So dear readers, what tips do you have to keep the romance alive? I'll keep them in my pocket until I finally meet him.