List #153: Picking Up Your Stuff

I've hinted around on the blog in the past few months/weeks that I was seeing someone.

He is a nice guy, with a good smile and sweet eyes. He knows how to make me laugh and does often. He's strong but sensitive. He likes to learn and read but he also likes to drink a beer and watch scripted television. He feeds my love of Leslie Knope with Reddit links, and rolls his eyes at Ted Mosby too. He is always up for Mexican food. Or Chinese food. And he laughs at my old-lady habits. I like him. A lot.

But it ended tonight. Officially. After a week of hemming and hawing. After emails back and forth. And two hours on his couch. We both knew when I went to pick up the small assortment of things I'd left at his place, that it was over. But I don't think either of us wanted me to leave through the front door. I know that both of us would have enjoying kissing and being the way we always were together.

But it can't be like that. Because I want a full-fledged relationship. And he does not.

And though I know it's the adult-thing, the right-thing, to walk away from this before it gets any deeper. It doesn't make up for the fact that I am sad. It doesn't take away the hurt of someone staring right in your eyes, inches away from your face, his hands on your hips telling you how much he likes you but that he just can't do it. That his life isn't cut out for a permanent relationship. That he can't bring himself to be my legitimate boyfriend.  Because if he liked me enough? If he valued me enough? He wouldn't have let me walk out that door, right?

So I'm sad. I'm not heart-broken and I don't feel that I have anger and malice towards him. I'm just sad that I let myself grow close to someone who can't meet my needs. I'm sad that I had to say goodbye to an interesting person that I cared about. I'm sad that I just can't seem to find someone who likes me enough to make it stick.

And no, it's not my fault that he can't commit. I'm ready. I'm willing. I want to be a partner. I can only control my own actions and emotions. And even though I know all of this. I can't help but be sad.

But I'm not upset that I want to be in a relationship. I've earned it. I'm awesome. Some guy out there should want to fight for me. And not just let me be a place holder of time.

• I want to be valued. 
• I want to be a girlfriend.
• I want to get married.
• I want to make decisions about having children, or not having children, together.
• I want to meet his friends.
• I want to snuggle up under the blankets and laugh about the day.
• I want to not date for awhile, because I want someone to come after me. 
• I want to be chosen and loved and fought for and pampered. 

Because I'm worth it. And I don't want to be sad.