You are suppose to be a month of new beginnings, fresh starts & clear heads. And I guess in many ways, you are living up to your reputation. You did, after all, give me a new beginning. Whether I wanted it or not doesn't really matter anymore.
But I have to ask, why do you keep spitting out the sad & hard to handle? What's the bigger picture, January? Because my head keeps telling me that there is a plan, that all of this is teaching me something. But my heart isn't really buying it just yet. If you're just one piece of a 12-month puzzle, can I at least have a hint as to what I'm putting together? If I could convince my heart and my head to work together to get the someday when everything is okay, then I think I could relax a bit more. I could enjoy your snowy nights & laugh a little more.
I don't know if you knew this on day one, January, but I'm tough. I know I'm strong and I definitely know I'm smart. I kind of kick-ass.
But I'm also guarded and emotional and though it kills me to admit this, I'm scared. I'm scared of losing the ones that I love, I'm scared that I won't be able to figure out my next goals & accomplish them, and I'm definitely scared that there may not be a person out there who want to stay with me.
I had to face some very serious family situations alone this weekend, January. Your last one to dish out, I suppose. And I did it. Sure, I might have had to sneak out alone for some good cries. Cries because someone I love was in pain but also because I felt as if I the end of my relationship was really sinking in. That this person, who just a year ago I was writing about being such a dedicated and loving man, no longer wanted to be the person to hold my hand in tough situations. But in the end, I could do it by reaching out to a few selected people and a family that really understands tough moments and supporting each other.
You gave us a lot, January. Not just me, but friends & family and well, the world. So many people sick, bad news creeping through the cracks in doors, museum artifacts gone and headed to the black market, love gone. Can we just get to the part that things get good again? Can you help me understand the bigger picture & get to the "someday" part of this story?
A very good friend, who shall remain nameless, raised the question not too long ago, "What comes next?" I think we're waiting to see.
So please, January, give February a memo and send some brighter days.
All my love,