I am kind of at a loss of words tonight. All day I knew what I wanted to write & was composing a list in my head and then the world reminded me that days cannot be planned and neither can our emotions.
I am still not sure where my missing items are but I am sure the will turn up. They are probably tucked away in the bags here that I haven't unpacked yet because putting things back in drawers means too much. Or they are tucked under piles of laundry where you are, discarded quickly when I was being told to leave your life & I felt rushed to get on with this part.
Knocking, because we no longer share anything. Seeing how much of my life was in your hands & space. Looking at your greying beard & just wanting to kiss your lips again and make it better. I second-guess every thing I ever said, wonder what fight put you over the edge & want to take back everything I might have ever said to cause you harm. Everything you ever gave me was wonderful.
And try to forget you every day. Tell myself that I'm strong, I'm better, I'm on.
I love that face. Smile, Laugh. That concern when I tell you how my money is being used. I want to hear so much of your day, and your classes and all of your connect. And your family, and mine. And I would never stop you from going anywhere. I want to take the sad from you.
But, even if I go on and on, ramble through the night. This was your decision. And mine is to try. And there are too many words that I want to say. So I will stop here.
I would try so hard to make the wrongs right.
Let me sort this out tonight. My bubbie & blankets will keep me warm.